Yeah. So. On Friday, just over a month after Mayi (the acting Associate Principal) pulled me aside to "warn" me that the Ring Leader planned to take all my classes, Mayi again pulled me aside to "warn" me that they -- Mayi, Eva (head of the office staff? idk) and Lee (English Department Head) were going to meet with me to "offer" me the ESL classes in place of my own. And then Lee was absent because he was "sick," so the meeting didn't happen. It will probably happen tomorrow.

I am so fucking sick of this place and all the bullshit. I mean, the lion's share of shit comes from the Ring Leader, but the DH is a fucking spineless twit, and the AP is just useless as well. Now, all three of them have chosen not to really go to the mats for me or give any ultimatums of their own. The DH and AP have visas held over their heads, and Eva's daughter is close to graduating, so she's keeping her head down until that happens. And look. I understand it. I understand that they all have to survive. DH and AP are well over 60 and would not be able to find another job overseas, and they've sunk too much into living aborad that they have nothing to live on at home (America for the DH and the Philippines for AP). I understand, I do. But it still feels so shitty. I asked Mayi on Friday if I was supposed to just stand there and let the Ring Leader kick me in the face for the next 7 months. I know she thinks I'm selfish for preparing to quit and leaving them in the lurch, but it's the Ring Leader's fault that we can't hire enough qualified staff. She regularly verbally abuses staff, and I found out (third hand, so I can't do anything about it) that she actually HIT two fourth graders last year when they were sent to the office for a scuffle! I mean, the Ring Leader is truly a fucking monster.

But I really need to stay until at least the end of the semester because I get two more paychecks. And I don't want to leave teaching. I LOVE being a teacher. But I can't keep doing this. And even though I have a place to live with my mom, rent free, I still have to fly home and ship my stuff home.

And oh, what awaits me at home! My brother is clinically depressed. My mom probably is, too, but she has God so she's fine, just fine! My other brother, who doesn't live with my mom, is clinically depressed among other things. His narcissist wife refuses still to file for divorce because she is too busy, but she also expects to be able to drop my niblings off at my mom's house every week so she can have "Me Time." Which she is owed. I mean, it's better than being homeless. I can't afford to go anywhere else. There are several para pro jobs at my local school district, including one working with newcomers (my hometown has a refugee office) which would be great! It's full-ish time, but it's hourly, so if/when I get a job for next year, I won't have to break a contract. And being home will make it easier for me to get visas because I don't have to figure out Taiwanese mail.

I really hope I can get a job before January because I can't quite afford to go to the HK Job Fair now. But the school that has shown a lot of interest in me, the one where my friend is working, has some major red flags. I went on International School Review, and the heads of the schools in the cities where I'd like to live have some MAJOR negative reviews. I can't go back to that. I can't go back to a toxic boss. If I went to the school where my friend is, I'd have a decent boss (her), but I'm not sure I want to live in Chengdu. I mean, Chengdu is probably fine, but the school is kind of on the outskirts of the actual city proper. On the other hand, it could be a stepping stone.

But I'm literally coming out of an abusive environment, and the Catholic-raised part of me still feels like suffering is deserved, and the Dad-raised part of me still feels like suffering makes me stronger, and the gas-lit, US-trained teacher part of me still thinks, "Do it for the children!"

Anyway, I'm fucking miserable and there's no way out but through, and I'm so fucking sick of being miserable, and I want to punch the Ring Leader and I want to punch my sister in law and I know (oh how I know, thanks, social media) that hundreds of thousands of people have it way worse than me, so why am I being such a whiny piss baby, and yeah.

Fucking grim.

Now that I actually have some space to read and think, I've been going through the responses to the End Racism at OTW campaign as well as the stuff that's come out recently about volunteers and the general clusterfuck that seems to be going on behind the scenes at OTW -- I don't even know what to link because there's a TON of stuff, both here and on Twitter and Tumblr, and wow, the issues are thorny! I mean, of course they are, but as with the rest of *gestures at everything* ... it feels like the more one tries to do the right thing, the more issues creep up, whack-a-mole style.

One of the casualties of both the overload of just STUFF I'm wading through online and the general what-the-fuckery of the last school year has been my desire to write and to engage in fannish life. It's not a particularly alarming realization. I've only been actively fannish for about nine years, which is definitely a good chunk of time, and it was during one of those geologic shifts that come in life, but it also wasn't part of those years where really fundamental parts of my self were first formed, so I'm not feeling the loss as keenly as I might. I still have lots of creative outlets, and I've noticed an uptick in my ability to read books, which took a massive hit ... well, nine years ago. It's still not up to pre-2014 levels, but it's getting there.

I think one of the things that is kind of killing the fandom feels right now is that, at least in the space I've curated for myself, there's a lot of demand to Do Something, and it crashes into the demands to Do Something in my work life and my home life and my other communities, and it kind of feels like I have to let some things go, and I think those things are writing (both original fiction and fics) and actively engaging in fannish life.

For now, I've got to focus on work (doing right by my students next year, learning new skills, and finding a better school for 2024-2025) and my imploding family (*fork in a blender noise*). And knitting.

Kind of a Taiwan diary, kind of not.

So here’s the thing. I fucking love strawberries, right? They are one of my favorite fruits. In Idaho, it’s hard to get really good strawberries unless you can go to a farmer’s market. The strawberries available in stores are often big, bland, forcibly-ripened things that are virtually tasteless. They’re good filler for smoothies or vehicles for sugar. But in Taiwan, the conditions are perfect for strawberries. Not only are there lovely strawberries in most grocery stores, there are trucks parked throughout town with people selling flats of strawberries. There’s strawberry season specials all over. In some of the fancier grocery stores, you can even buy a four-pack of imported Japanese strawberries for something like THIRTY DOLLARS or more!!! Yes! You read that correctly. THIRTY US DOLLARS for FOUR STRAWBERRIES!

(I haven’t bought any, although I won’t like — I kind of want to try them, but while I’m happy to be frivolous for a lot of things, this sort of purchase is just too much for me.)

So strawberries. Abundant, affordable, delicious. I should be so happy, right?

Friends, I have bought a little flat of strawberries every week for the last six weeks, and every single one has rotted in my fridge. I have not eaten a single strawberry. I want them. I can buy them. I DO buy them. And then…I just don’t eat them. And I don’t know why.

I mean, I’m reasonably sure it’s a side effect to the stress from the toxic stew of a work environment, which in turn affects my physical well being (which is already turning a bit sketchy as I get older, which I am firmly ignoring because I just can’t handle it). And I’ve got another plagiarism issue to deal with, and this time, it’s the child of another teacher on campus, and I’m almost certain she’s the one who “helped” kiddo “write” this essay. So I have to email her about the kiddo’s grade and why I cannot accept the product that has been submitted (the prose is actually quite gorgeous and was most definitely not written by this sixth grader who, in response to an activity today, wrote TWO sentences in the paragraph reflection portion of the assignment). If she didn’t write it, then it’s a Chat GPT product. Plagiarism aside, it’s off topic so he fails anyway.

And the whole psychic static of the family issues is in the background.

It sure would be nice if I could have some delicious fruit, like strawberries.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Not technically a Taiwan diary, since I am at home in Idaho this week, but ooooooof.

Do I regret my impulsive decision to come home? No, not entirely. I will get to see my best friend and I have seen my niece (nephew still has school through this morning but will be coming over tonight). I played (and lost) three games of Scrabble with my mom. The bed in my room here is so comfortable that I almost want to stay just because of it — I have NOT had good luck with beds since moving abroad.

But. Of course just because I am not up to speed on all the family drama and doings (my mom refuses to tell me because I will only worry, she says — joke’s on her, I’m gonna worry anyway!) but things are not good, especially with my brothers. Brother One is having normal not good, mostly due to landlords being Capitalist Pigs instead of his own actions, which is kind of nice? Brother Two is having a horrible horrible time still, Sister In Law is Not Helping (in a sort of understandable way because it is, unfortunately, exhausting to support someone in crisis, especially when you have two young children to also raise and try to protect from the worst effects of the crisis). I’m really working to banish thoughts of if you had just done something years ago, before you had kids, which is useless and also cruel to say to someone because we all wish we could do something different, make better choices earlier and not when our hands are truly forced. And there’s not much that I can do to make any of this better. Brother Two is looking for better jobs, but despite all the “People don’t want to work” BULLSHIT that is spewed out, this isn’t translating into jobs or employers making changes to make things better for employees, not as long as they can wring that last bit of blood from people before discarding them and moving on to the next desperate person with an ounce of blood to spare.

So everything is basically awful and some of it is from our own choices but a lot of it is from things forced on us and having to choose between eating a glass sandwich or a shit sandwich.

Happy Holidays.

And so as not to end on a COMPLETELY downer note, I am very much enjoying spending time with my niblings. Yesterday, my niece took about 45 minutes to drink a cup of hot chocolate because she “drank” it with a spoon. Quite a lot of it ended up dribbled down her chin. I was impressed with her dedication to the process, though. I don’t want to share pics of her here but trust me, it was darn cute.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival! This is one of my favorite holidays here. I mean, who doesn't love the moon? And the little rabbit imagery because of the moon rabbits! Love it! Here in Taiwan, it is a family holiday, with people getting together to have BBQs, so that's a bit lonely for a visitor, even though I don't have the emotional association that local families have. I went for a walk this evening, hoping for some nice moon-viewing opportunities, but alas, it was too cloudy and I got tired and went home.

We'll be back in person at school this week, which is a huge relief. The government has moved to a "test to stay" protocol. Basically, if a student is exposed to a classmate with COVID, they must present negative tests for 2-3 days in a row in order to be allowed to come to class. If a student is exposed through a household member, then they must quarantine for at least a week, but their classmates don't have to quarantine. I feel like we'll be more vigilant with masks. Kids have been pretty good, but two and a half years in, we were all slipping. Thankfully, in the outbreak that sent us online, only two or three staff members fell ill and I think only four or five students were ill, none seriously as far as I know. I think the protocol strikes a reasonable balance between protecting the school community and effective teaching. Online just doesn't work as well on the whole. Like I've said before, there are some kids who thrive with online learning, and it should always be an option going forward (with virtual schools, not hybrid classes). Work from home should be available for many jobs, for any employee who wants it. I do not want it if I can help it.

I've been in Taiwan for four weeks now. I feel pretty settled in my apartment and city, and now I'd like to start exploring. The island is small enough that it's easy to take weekend trips, especially with the high-speed rail system. I've decided to go to Taipei next weekend. I spent a weekend there back in 2019, but to be honest, I didn't see much. I was also sick with what turned out to be a horrible case of bronchitis, which didn't help. This coming weekend, I plan to go up to the observation deck in Taipei 101, a skyscraper that was, for six years, the tallest building in the world. It is currently the eleventh tallest building in the world. It's 90 meters shorter than the Ping An Finance Center in Shenzhen, which I never got the chance to check out. I hope it's not too scary. >_<

Oh! I have managed to do a little writing over the last few days. Nothing I want to share yet, but I'm making progress on a few things, which is a really nice feeling.

I hope you all have a nice week!

Technically, my break is over, even though it is currently July 31st at 10:40 PM as I type this. Today (August 1) is the first in-service day for my new job, and I'm participating online as I'm still in the US. It's not too bad. At least this time, the 14-hour timezone difference means that I'm done by around midnight, instead of just starting my day, like I did when I taught my Minsk class online for a month. And I'm really, really hoping that I'll be in Taiwan for the first day of school, even if I'm in quarantine.

Today also marks the end of another month of GYWO. I did make progress this month, bringing my habit total to 94 days so far, but I'm not sure I'll meet my 180-day goal. Which is fine! I dropped down from last year's 240-day goal because I knew all the other life changes would throw me off. And progress is better than perfection. It's still a bit of a bummer, but it's not the end of the world.

I had a few moments of really wishing I hadn't gone for this job. A rest would have been really nice. But I am excited to meet my new students. I think I'll do a good job with them, and I think the work will be satisfying. And as I drove through my hometown over the last few weeks, I think that I have to still leave to find what I want. I don't think what I want is here, not right now. So we go on!

My work visa arrived today, four days ahead of the estimated delivery date, so I got all my paperwork sent off to Seattle. Fingers crossed that I get my residence visa back in less than the predicted two weeks!

Choosing to mail the paperwork instead of rushing to Singapore means I did have extra time to spend with the niblings. They really are hilarious little humans. I crocheted a trio of amigurumi potatoes last week and left them out in the dining room. Which means that they were destined to be nephew magnets. Aden ran in, made a beeline for the table, and said, "Oh! What are these!?"

Of course I gave him and Ilaria the potatoes.

Not to brag, but Ilaria is kind of obsessed with me. She accidentally hurt my SIL's feelings as they drove over because she said, "Mommy, I don't like you, I love Auntie Deb!" To which SIL said, "You can like and love more than one person." 😐 Ilaria loves hanging out in my room, especially on my bed, which has a nice squashy mattress and tons of pillows. Today I told her my iPad battery was dead so we couldn't watch Duggee. No worries, Auntie Deb! She spent half an hour telling me she was a bunny, which involved wiggling her butt as if she had a fluffy tail and then launching herself at a stack of pillows. And whenever SIL would hang out too long, she would say, "Mommy, you can leave us now." 😐😐

Listen, I am THRILLED to be the favorite auntie. There are three of us, and I am clearly the best. And Ilaria is only 2, so she doesn't mean to hurt her mom, so I'm not going to gloat, at least not to SIL.

After a mostly chill visit (I cut off any talk about my brother, who is Making Choices, which are Not My Business), I got the kids out to the car without throwing a fit by humming "Flight of the Bumblebee" and bribing them with lollipop. Because I am the Best Aunt.

Okay, not too overwhelming. I had a nice little cry to relieve some of the pressure. Things are generally fine. The visa process is going along as smoothly as possible (as far as I can tell). Smoother, in that it only took about 2 weeks out of the predicted 4 to get my work visa approved. Once I have it in hand, I can apply for my residence permit.

And here is where the new wrinkle is. If I mail my visa application to Seattle, it'll take about 2 weeks to process, which means that I can get to Taiwan around August 5, which would get me out of quarantine around the 12th -- just in time for the first day of school on the 15th. However, I could fly to Singapore, where their TECO office is open to walk-ins. If I get my visa stuff, I can leave here around Friday, apply for my permit on about July 25th, get my visa around the 27th or 28th, and get out of quarantine around August 5th which would allow me to have a week or so get in my classroom and make preparations. It's more expensive, obviously, but I would get a little vacation. I've never been to Singapore before. I don't think I'll get to travel during the next school year unless Taiwan does away with quarantines this year. And this is fine. I can explore Taiwan during my breaks.

Still, it's a lot to consider. Thankfully, my job isn't pressuring me one way or the other. They aren't paying for my flights. I have a flight bonus for my summer flight home. This school doesn't include moving expenses as one of its benefits, and I knew that.

I don't know. I really want to get to school before it starts, because it will make the transition easier. I'm going to make my final decision once I get my work visa. If I can't get a decent flight, I won't go. I'll wait and mail my paperwork. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will be processed super quickly.

Until then, I'll just keep watching Midsomer Murders. It's so soothing. 😬

Oh Friends, hello!

Things have been a little bit calmer this week, thank goodness. I got a COVID booster (Moderna) because it's not that I don't trust the Sinovac or Sputnik (well, I don't really trust the Sputnik tbh), but it makes travel easier to have one of the approved Big Three vaccines. I'd escaped the worst side effects of all the other shots (Sputnik, J & J, Sinovac), only having a sore arm and a bit of fatigue, but Moderna has kicked me in the side! I have a very sore arm still, 48ish hours after, and in the middle of the night last night, the lymph nodes in the armpit started to hurt. After a few minutes of oh shit, I have cancer! panic, I googled the side effects of the Moderna vax, and yup, this is a common side effect. Ibuprofen helps, so I'll just keep hoping it passes quickly.

I've managed to write this week! I posted a little SangCheng story earlier this week, and I've been working on another story that likely won't see the light of day for a few months, so I don't want to share anything from it yet lest I jinx it.

But here's a bit from the SangCheng. I hope you all have a good week!

---

Huaisang hasn’t suffered a qi deviation in months. He hasn’t even felt a flicker of instability since their arrival at the monastery. But, he reflects as he lies limp and exhausted on the bed, that doesn’t mean he’s fully recovered.

I've been home for a week now, and friends, it has been a whirlwind! In the last seven days I have:

• Gotten my fingerprints taken and sent off for a background check
  
• Gone to the dentist and optometrist
  
• Gotten a terrible haircut
  
• Visited Boise with my bestie
  
• Finished one online class
  
• Returned some Amazon stuff
  
• Watched a lot of Midsomer Murders and Columbo with my mom
  
• Mailed a care package to my friend in China
  
• "Unpacked" (aka emptied my suitcases)
  
• Read They Called Us Enemy by George Takei
  
• Read Almost American Girl by Robin Ha
  
• Somewhat weathered a family member breakdown
  
• Signed up for medical and dental insurance (OUCH)
  

I will probably NOT sew anything this summer, aside from hemming up these super cute dungarees I got from Snag (the company that I order my tights from). The fabric will keep for another year.

I got insurance because my job only provides insurance in the working country, not worldwide, alas. I have a stupid high deductible but thankfully (hahahahaha) it wouldn't take much in the US to reach that deductible. Oh American, you familiar home and hellscape.

On the plus side, I started reading A Snake Falls to Earth by Darcie Little Badger, and friends, so far it is a banger! I read Elatsoe last summmer, and I hope Little Badger is able to write for a long time. She is an excellent writer and an excellent story teller.