Friend-os, I am In It.

Next year, I'll be teaching SEVEN different classes (or preps, in teaching parlance). SEVEN. Technically, one prep is something I don't actually plan for, just monitor. They have a vocabulary testing class. Kids study word lists and take tests. That's it. I have ... views ... about this. On one hand, building up vocab is key for learning a second language, and all these kids speak English as a second or third language. Plus, our school markets itself as one that can help kids get into elite US universities, and for years, that has meant stellar SAT scores. Vocabulary is a big part of the language side. However, many universities are not using SAT scores as a metric for acceptance, including the University of California, which means our school is going to have to adapt. Which brings me to class two, Pre-College Essay Writing (PCEW). We'll spend the year just practicing those personal essays. Ugh. On one hand, being able to write a succinct, interesting personal narrative is a fine skill. It makes students focus on word choice and voice, the latter of which is hard to teach. On the other, focusing TWO classes (vocab and PCEW) on short-term skills meant to get them into university is not the same thing as preparing them for university and beyond.

It'll be fine, I guess. Just weird.

I had TWO middle school classes dumped on me unexpectedly, 6th grade lit and creative writing. Luckily I have taught 6th grade lit before so I have some resources to draw from. And once I stopped panicking about creative writing, I figured out that I have a lot of resources I can use.

Another unexpected class is called Project Based Reading -- really it's just a time where I'll be jamming as much text into the kids' brains as possible. This can be really fun. I bought a bunch of short story anthologies that I can use, as well as magazines on a variety of topics. My best friend Erin bought me a BTS fanzine for my birthday, so that will be fun to bring in and use in a lesson for author's purpose and reliable texts.

The bulk of my attention will be focused on sophomore lit and sophomore writing. Luckily I have taught these classes for the last two years, and even though my last school had a very different structure for the courses, I have a lot of resources to draw on.

So. It's going to be a LOT to handle, but it's the sort of thing I like to work on. I just have to work diligently on unit plans for the next week or so. I don't love the administrative aspect of planning, but I get why I have to do things like this, and there is some leeway in how detailed I have to be, which helps.

My poor best friend is going through it at work -- as are all teachers these days -- and I feel like she is really burned out. She says that she is. She works in a small, rural district that has actively made work worse since the pandemic began, from outright stating they would not make kids or staff wear masks or go home if they are ill. to be fair on the last part, often kids don't have places to go or parents to take care of them because they can't take time off work, like staff that can't afford to take time off, which is only being fair in that it's a genuine concern that the district doesn't necessarily have the means to make better. ANYWAY, some of the things they DO have under their control include holding students accountable for work instead of just saying "if you're sick, you don't have to make up work," and not counting absences AND not verifying absences, BUT still measuring teachers by state tests and expecting all students to meet the "normal" benchmarks. Which rural students often miss because schools, in general, are chronically underfunded, and rural districts, in particular, are abysmally funded.

ANYWAY, she's a great teacher and cares so deeply for her students, and that has been turned into weaponized guilt used against her. I think she needs to find a new district. She's been at her school for nine years, her whole career, and I get that it's hard to leave behind. She does say that there are a lot of positives, but I've watched her struggle and listened to her stories of being bled dry without getting infusions from her district, and it SUCKS.

And it's scary to leave! The first time I was left without a job that I still wanted, it wasn't my choice to leave, even though it was good because the school was (and still is according to my friend who still works there) the most hideously toxic work environment. But I would have gone back because I needed a job, wanted to teach, and thought that I owed it to the world to work. In hindsight, I was lucky the decision was taken out of my hands. Now (if everything stays about the same), I have a choice, and I would be choosing to leave a good job because it's not enough to balance out other factors in my life. I'm physically sick to my stomach and have constant eczema break-outs due to stress. (Sorry, I know that's gross.) It is scary AF to know I need to leave and that I need to be the one to make that choice (again, if things stay the same, and if the news is to be believed...).

My best friend is going to have to make the choice for her life. I'm confident her district will happily bleed her dry and then prop her corpse up at her desk because they don't have enough subs.

Adulting sucks on so many levels, you guys. Making hard decisions. Knowing people you love are hurting. The endless loop of making dinner, doing dishes, and making dinner again. (I have mostly given up on dusting, unless I know someone will be coming over.)

It just sucks, and I have no idea when things will get better or how to help things improve.

Hi friends in academia/familiar with academia. We're working on research papers, and one of the big components is proper formatting. Look, I think formatting is, in general, a scam. If a paper is readable, then that should be good. I have a hard time convincing myself to care, let alone my students. I usually tell them things like "this is an expectation at university, so I'm teaching you how to do this now."

The issue that came up in class today was this: the works cited page. I understand and can explain why an entry in a works cited page is formatted the way it is. My student questioned why the whole page is in alphabetical order. He arranged his sources to follow the order in which his information appeared in the essay. This makes a kind of sense! I ended up telling him that this is just a convention of the genre of academic writing.

But I'm curious about your thoughts on this. How do you teach it? What do you say about these conventions? I really try hard to not say "because that's the way it is" when teaching, although in this case, it might be the appropriate response.

At the end of each school year, I don’t reflect so much as look forward. What can I do next year? What stories can I include? What can I do to teach xyz better (usually a grammar skill)? What resources did I accumulate this year that I didn’t get a chance to use, and how can I use them?

This year, as you know, has been far from ideal, but it is not actually the worst year I had. That was a few years ago, and even then, I looked forward to a new year. Usually, I take a few days to unplug and rest, but then I am eager to make plans.

Today, I hung out with my best friend and while we played badminton and had lunch, we talked a lot about things we want to do different next year. IF I get to go back to my school in Shenzhen, I’ll come back to a different set up than I’m used to. If I have to start the year while still in the US, I’ll need to have units and plans for online teaching. And if I change subject areas, I’ll need to plan for that, too. But I’m a very good English teacher, so I have a lot of resources and options that I can use for my current subject or the new one I want, and I can use it in face to face or online instruction

I spent time on a website called commonlit.org which has a ton of free texts like stories, poems, and informative articles. It has discussion questions that are great, open-ended prompts for students to both dig deeper into a work and make connections with other texts or the world or their own experiences. There are some thematic units with big guiding questions, which is really good for me since some of my standards specifically involve having students read a variety of texts and then use what they read to write essays. There is a text set that deals with the question “is revenge ever justified?” which works well with my persuasive writing unit, and I am really excited to try this. Best of all, it’s a free resource!

Now, because it’s 2020, there is a sharp turn in mood. ( Read more... )

I saw something on Twitter recently about how students in the future be asked to discuss memes as coping mechanisms during this outbreak, and I thought “why wait?” We are required to have video class meetings twice a week now, but we’re not required to take attendance or penalize students who don’t/can’t join in. So I’m trying to find ways to make the meetings useful to those who show up while not presenting anything vital so kids who can’t attend miss out. Oh, and we’re not allowed to record the meeting/lecture.

So for our meeting on Wednesday, I’ve asked the kids to share a couple memes that represent their life during the last few months. I actually really like doing activities like this. We learned back in college that it’s important to give students multiple ways to share their learning, especially for ELL students like mine. It’s tough when my unit standards are all “write multiple paragraphs” and “write a five paragraph essay,” so I’m taking opportunities where I can find them.

I made this sample meme to show the kids. That’s my coworker, Ginger, who still refuses to wear pants. Under the cut are some samples that my 8th grade class created last year after we read The Outsiders. I love how smart and funny these kids are.



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Hey girl. You remember that adage “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink”?

Yeah, it’s a truth. It’s a good metaphor.

Think of it another way. I know you have a lot of issues with the curriculum and culture/philosophy of your current school. But one thing that can be really helpful here? Think about the phrase from the mission statement: it is the schools’ responsibility to provide the conditions for success.

Provide conditions for success. Not success itself. It’s our responsibility to make a space for students to learn and grow. We have learned over the last few weeks that it is difficult to provide these conditions working wholly online. Difficult, but not impossible. You are doing your very best to create assignments that give your students the opportunity to practice important skills and to share what they have learned and know. You are reaching out, even to the students who appear to have turned their back. Think about that word “appear.” You don’t have any way of knowing what conditions your kiddos are living and working in right now. Your kiddos aren’t assholes, at least, not any more than teenagers tend to be. They aren’t deliberately rejecting You. They are making choices based on conditions you cannot see and cannot control. Are some of them making what you consider poor choices? Probably. But they do that even when you are in the classroom with them.

So. You have the responsibility to do your best under weird and difficult circumstances. You’ve done it so far, you know you have, even if you don’t have much feedback. Of everything in your life, you are most confident in your skills as a teacher, in your choice of career, your worth and value here, so hold onto that. Keep your heart and email open. Don’t get mad at the kids because it never ever ever works. It never achieves any of your goals. The kids are not doing this to hurt you. I know it hurts to see how poor choices hurt the kids and I know it hurts that you can’t make kiddos understand this. They have to make their choices. We all have to make a choice and then another choice and then another, step by step.

But hey, you know what you can do? Take time to work on that fluffy fic, get pizza for lunch, read something and leave comments and spread a little joy.

Oh, and maybe — maybe— take a break from listening to Hadestown. There are a lot of Feelings there, and I kind of think you need a little break from so many Feelings. Go back to your peppy KPop playlist. There are probably Feelings there, sure, but you don’t speak Korean, so you can just enjoy the beat.

I’m not a huge Tolkien fan, but I definitely relate to the hobbit way of life. I like things cozy. I like friends and family and chill evenings at a pub. I like a little excitement now and then, but as someone who is built like a baozi (filled with spicy steamed anxiety), too much of the unexpected leaves me feeling wobbly. So this whole coronavirus thing has been a challenge.

I went to Japan for the Lunar New Year break, and while I was there, I got word that our school will be closed for at least two weeks past the break and I would have to teach online. Tough, as I had already prepped to do a novel unit and the kids don’t have the books, but I’ve been teaching long enough that I managed to put together a respectable research unit that the kids can do independently. I checked my budget, called my mom, and figured I could afford to stay in Japan longer. Yay Japan! The weather is nice and cool, and I got to play in the snow yesterday, which made me very happy. But underneath it, still, anxiety.

One of the good things about my anxious, nonstop brain is that I take in information very quickly and can generally process it thoroughly. It doesn’t make the jitters go away, but it makes them move. Kind of like trying to squash one of those spiders that can jump away. If you don’t thoroughly stomp on it the first time, it skitters away and you have the fun game of finding it again. I spent time today reading and writing, bought some lemon-ginger bath salts and took a nice soak, and as I did, I cornered the Brain Spider. What really freaks me out right now is this: for the first time in like four years, I don’t know what I’ll be doing for more than two weeks out. Of course, life can always change in an instant, but in general, I have an idea of what I will be doing for at least a year out. The last time this happened was when I didn’t get hired back at the school in McMinnville, Oregon, and had no job, and for like a month did t know where I would be working or living. Aside from knowing I could go home if I needed to (and I did). And while I know I can get help with money if I lose my job, the uncertainty is really making me frantic. I do not like it.

Catching a glimpse of this particular brain spider is helping a lot. I didn’t manage to squish it, but I think I’ve at least got it shut up in a box for now. In the meantime, I’m going to really work on helping my kids with their writing, work on my own writing, explore some cool stuff in Osaka and Kyoto, and try to breathe.

All while wearing a super sexy surgical mask. HOTTT!

I saw a Tumblr post awhile ago about a professor who keeps an excel document where he keeps track of all the youth slang he encounters, and that is so pure. I love it when teachers genuinely try to connect with students, especially when they've been teaching a long time. I'm coming up on ten years as a middle school teacher (though I took a 5-year break for life and grad school), and I don't remember much from my first year by way of slang or pop culture. "Check Yes, Juliet" by We the Kings was popular because nearly every kiddo included it on their Romeo and Juliet soundtrack that year.

It's even more interesting to me now, seeing how kiddos incorporate English into their slang when English is a second or third language for my students. For example, last year, if something was aesthetically pleasing and good, it was "so fashion." While I always use moments like these to talk about word meanings and connotation -- for example, if they were writing this in a formal essay, they'd use the adjective form "fashionable," -- I never correct them or stop them from using it, because language is a slippery beast. English is also really punishing for these kids. They stress all year about the MAP test because they must achieve a certain score to be transferred to the regular class. Even though MAP is only meant to be a Measure of Academic Progress and not a summative assessment, but ranting about tests is a topic for another day.

Anyway, this year, to express displeasure about something, my kiddos tell me it is "so fake."

Another interesting thing I notice is how groups develop their own slang, almost meme-ing language. For example, one of our vocabulary words this year was "shabby." Any time I said the word, my Chinese students would collapse into giggles. The 8th graders wouldn't tell me why, but my sweet 7th graders explained that shabby sounds like another word in Chinese that is less polite. I can't remember what it is offhand. I'll have to get the kiddos to write it out. They also like to use the word "ruthless" as a sort of burn, or comment when someone has been burned, like when their beloved teacher calls someone out.

While language and slang evolve and shift with each group, it's comforting to see some things carry through from my youth to now. Yesterday, I was chatting idly with a coworker. We were talking about books, and one of us mentioned The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The kiddos were doing their own thing and not paying attention to us oldies. Or so I thought. Later that same day, one of my students, the most silent of all, said that he had the answer to life and it was forty-two. After I got over my shock that he spoke! in class! to me! unprompted! I asked him if he knew where his towel was. He did, and I said, "You'll be alright then." And we got on with our day.

This interaction made my whole week. It also affirmed one of my most deeply held beliefs about teaching -- that developing meaningful connections between teachers and students is the most important part of the job, and the best way to do that is for teachers to be their authentic, true, weird selves and to see and acknowledge the same in the kiddos. Don't be like my coworker, who tries to connect with one of our KPop obsessed girls by talking about Rap Monster. My dude, he does not go by that handle anymore and hasn't for a looooooong time. You've lost her attention. Although I think it's hilarious that he still tries to connect with her over KPop because she visibly dies a little when he says "Rap Monster." I mean, don't stop trying, my guy, but also, don't try so hard. Let the kiddos teach you.

Well. November has been A Month.

I met my overall word goal of writing at least 500 words a day, although it’s an average as I missed probably a week’s worth of writing days. I got super sick on November 2, because of COURSE I did. To be honest, I’m a little surprised it took this long into the school year to get sick. I got a cold on top of a cold, and I still have a lingering cough. It’s going away, slowly, and I have TWO weeks to get fully well because I’m going home for Christmas and I want to cuddle my new baby niece! And I have to be well to do that. We’ll see how it goes.

Another thing standing in the way of writing has been work. I really love being a teacher, and this year, my students are just outstanding kiddos, even the few I have that are kind of chuckleheads. I teach at an international school, and I teach intensive English, which means I have small classes (9 in one, 10 in the other) and I see each class three times a day, so I really really get to know these kids well. So my chuckleheads? I really get to understand why, beyond just being teenagers, they are acting the way they do. It helps me keep an open heart and let go of frustrations a little sooner. The problem is that this emotional labor is heavy, and it makes me tired, and it makes all the fun words sink down underneath the work of...work. And work! I spent time marking papers tonight (because I know how to have fun on a Saturday night), and I’m not going to get into the whole spiral here, but just. Guys. Teaching is so fucking hard, and it’s made worse by a lack of resources, by a curriculum with gaps bigger than the potholes on an Idaho road after winter (I have popped a tire in those potholes before, so, you know, they’re serious). I vented a little to my work bestie, and then tried to get out of the spiral and focus on what I old actually control.

I have the word inimitable tattooed on my wrist. I see it every day. I got that word tattooed not so much to remind myself that I am without compare (and I am — I am the only Me who has ever been and will ever be) but because it completes the lyrics from “Wait For It” from Hamilton: I am the one thing in life I can control. I am inimitable. I am an original.

I am the one thing in life I can control. So I wrote out lesson plans for the next two weeks, and then, it will be Christmas break. I’ll have time to relax, at least as much as one can relax with 30 family members descending for the holiday.

But my writing. Writing hasn’t been this much of a slog in a long time. I gave up on my NaNo novel because I got so bored with the MC. She still has potential, as does the world. I’m actually really proud of the world building I did for the book, so I can see writing short stories set in that world. It’s always been my dream to create something like Newford, the world created by one of my all-time favorite authors, Charles de Lint. His work introduced me to urban fantasy, and I have loved dipping into the city. I first read his books when I was in high school. I even wrote him a fan letter, and he wrote me back! In the MAIL! Anyway, I still wrote, and slog or no, it was good practice.

I also asked for a friend to beta read one of my fics before (hi Dr. Skuld!), and while I still have a lot to do to make that story at all presentable, it was a big moment for me because it made me feel really vulnerable, and I hate like poison to be vulnerable. But they gave me good feedback — I knew they would. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t trust them to be honest but in a kind manner. Still. Vulnerable! I did not care for that part, but it’s also the thing I really need/want to work on in my life as a whole. Being vulnerable. Being open to possibility. I’m so willing to be hopeful and optimistic for literally everyone else in the world but myself.

I took a big opportunity to be vulnerable this weekend. I traveled alone to Taipei, Taiwan. I didn’t really have a reason to pick Taipei. It was more that I desperately needed to NOT be in Shenzhen or the PRC. However, travel took up my courage and so I let an opportunity to go to a fandom thing pass me by. I only slightly regret it because I’m still on the peripheral of this particular fandom, and most of my regret stems from not feeling brave. If I’m not brave, then I’m not worthy. And I’m basically not feeling worthy of even taking up space, so it put me in a bit of a tough headspace. But I went to Starbucks (someday, I’ll wax lyrical about why Starbucks is my anchor) and I went to the National Taiwan Museum and saw the most pathetic, hideous, hilarious vintage taxidermy I have ever seen in my entire life, and honestly, the whole weekend was worth it, seeing this terrifying taxidermied cat. I’ll have to figure out how to add photos to posts because this cat is the weirdest goddamned thing I have ever seen.

Speaking of god and damning, my hotel room. I picked a hotel that had artsy, themed rooms, and apparently, the theme of my room is “Hey, You Haven’t Felt Catholic Guild In A While, Deb, So Here You Go!” My relationship with religion is a whole other post (and several months of therapy), but the room has a giant decal on the wall that says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Google tells me this is Proverbs 3:5, and if you go onto 3:6, it continues “in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Which.

Where to start? That a “straight” path is not something I have wanted for a long time? So to speak? This is definitely the verse that my mother most often paraphrases at me when I go to her with my troubles. She also just says”pray to the Holy Spirit,” which is NOT HELPFUL IN THE LEAST. But the worst is that I don’t think there is a single verse that is more antithetical to my very core than this. My own understanding? Babe, that is how we make the world — through our thinking and knowing and understanding. Literally I am always in my head. ALWAYS thinking. And okay, I did just say that I wanted to be more open and hopeful, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to understand and build a framework of knowledge. I just. I can’t even with this verse right now. I’m about to devolve into keyboard smashing.

Anyway. I’m tired. It has been a Month. A decade — yeah, I started thinking about the last ten years, everything and everyone I’ve lost, trying to balance it with the wonderful things and people I’ve gained, and just. My brain is too much sometimes. But I am NOT going to “let go and let God.” God can just keep on up in his clouds, or smite some fascists.

Like November, this got away from me. But I think I got enough out that I can safely watch emotional fanvids on YouTube for a bit.

Nighty-night, my lovelies.

Shoutout to myself for writing nearly 2K yesterday! I didn't write at all on Sunday as I am still siiiiiick. I swear, schools are just plague factories. And of course, I talk a good game about teachers not being martyrs and deserving to take time to be healthy, and then I haul my sick ass into work despite not sleeping because I had a performance review scheduled. To his credit, my DI offered to reschedule, and I snapped at him, "NO! We're doing this! I'm here, and we're not gonna waste this time." And it went really well!

I teach ELL kids at an international school in China, 7th and 8th graders. We finished reading a short story and had a discussion. If you've ever worked with kids, having an academic discussion can be painfully difficult at the best of times. Add the challenge of sorting thoughts and putting them out there in your second or even third language? Crazy difficult! Plus, my kiddos are all terrified of the DI, but they rallied like champions. I was so proud of them. To help mitigate some of the anxiety of talking in class, I gave them little packets of different open-ended notes and questions so they could take time to compose their thoughts. One of my baby angels trotted out some KICK ASS literary analysis about the use of flashbacks in the story, and I nearly cried. My babies are so smart, and the odds at my particular school are so stacked against them (for reasons I'm too tired to hash out here). Anyway.

All this (plus some crappy news I got over the weekend) has continued to inspire a need to write the comfiest, fluffiest fics in the world, so I wrote about indulging in a childish whim that isn't necessarily winter-themed, but it is cozy.

Oh! In the vein of giving myself credit, I did write 5300 words of student narratives -- twice a year, we are required to write little blurbs for each of our students and send them out as report cards. I'm grateful I only have 19 students this year. It takes a lot of effort to balance the expectations of our DI (he has a whole list of requirements) and making it actually useful and honest. I'm so glad it's done for now.