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Yeah. So. On Friday, just over a month after Mayi (the acting Associate Principal) pulled me aside to "warn" me that the Ring Leader planned to take all my classes, Mayi again pulled me aside to "warn" me that they -- Mayi, Eva (head of the office staff? idk) and Lee (English Department Head) were going to meet with me to "offer" me the ESL classes in place of my own. And then Lee was absent because he was "sick," so the meeting didn't happen. It will probably happen tomorrow.
I am so fucking sick of this place and all the bullshit. I mean, the lion's share of shit comes from the Ring Leader, but the DH is a fucking spineless twit, and the AP is just useless as well. Now, all three of them have chosen not to really go to the mats for me or give any ultimatums of their own. The DH and AP have visas held over their heads, and Eva's daughter is close to graduating, so she's keeping her head down until that happens. And look. I understand it. I understand that they all have to survive. DH and AP are well over 60 and would not be able to find another job overseas, and they've sunk too much into living aborad that they have nothing to live on at home (America for the DH and the Philippines for AP). I understand, I do. But it still feels so shitty. I asked Mayi on Friday if I was supposed to just stand there and let the Ring Leader kick me in the face for the next 7 months. I know she thinks I'm selfish for preparing to quit and leaving them in the lurch, but it's the Ring Leader's fault that we can't hire enough qualified staff. She regularly verbally abuses staff, and I found out (third hand, so I can't do anything about it) that she actually HIT two fourth graders last year when they were sent to the office for a scuffle! I mean, the Ring Leader is truly a fucking monster.
But I really need to stay until at least the end of the semester because I get two more paychecks. And I don't want to leave teaching. I LOVE being a teacher. But I can't keep doing this. And even though I have a place to live with my mom, rent free, I still have to fly home and ship my stuff home.
And oh, what awaits me at home! My brother is clinically depressed. My mom probably is, too, but she has God so she's fine, just fine! My other brother, who doesn't live with my mom, is clinically depressed among other things. His narcissist wife refuses still to file for divorce because she is too busy, but she also expects to be able to drop my niblings off at my mom's house every week so she can have "Me Time." Which she is owed. I mean, it's better than being homeless. I can't afford to go anywhere else. There are several para pro jobs at my local school district, including one working with newcomers (my hometown has a refugee office) which would be great! It's full-ish time, but it's hourly, so if/when I get a job for next year, I won't have to break a contract. And being home will make it easier for me to get visas because I don't have to figure out Taiwanese mail.
I really hope I can get a job before January because I can't quite afford to go to the HK Job Fair now. But the school that has shown a lot of interest in me, the one where my friend is working, has some major red flags. I went on International School Review, and the heads of the schools in the cities where I'd like to live have some MAJOR negative reviews. I can't go back to that. I can't go back to a toxic boss. If I went to the school where my friend is, I'd have a decent boss (her), but I'm not sure I want to live in Chengdu. I mean, Chengdu is probably fine, but the school is kind of on the outskirts of the actual city proper. On the other hand, it could be a stepping stone.
But I'm literally coming out of an abusive environment, and the Catholic-raised part of me still feels like suffering is deserved, and the Dad-raised part of me still feels like suffering makes me stronger, and the gas-lit, US-trained teacher part of me still thinks, "Do it for the children!"
Anyway, I'm fucking miserable and there's no way out but through, and I'm so fucking sick of being miserable, and I want to punch the Ring Leader and I want to punch my sister in law and I know (oh how I know, thanks, social media) that hundreds of thousands of people have it way worse than me, so why am I being such a whiny piss baby, and yeah.
Fucking grim.
I am so fucking sick of this place and all the bullshit. I mean, the lion's share of shit comes from the Ring Leader, but the DH is a fucking spineless twit, and the AP is just useless as well. Now, all three of them have chosen not to really go to the mats for me or give any ultimatums of their own. The DH and AP have visas held over their heads, and Eva's daughter is close to graduating, so she's keeping her head down until that happens. And look. I understand it. I understand that they all have to survive. DH and AP are well over 60 and would not be able to find another job overseas, and they've sunk too much into living aborad that they have nothing to live on at home (America for the DH and the Philippines for AP). I understand, I do. But it still feels so shitty. I asked Mayi on Friday if I was supposed to just stand there and let the Ring Leader kick me in the face for the next 7 months. I know she thinks I'm selfish for preparing to quit and leaving them in the lurch, but it's the Ring Leader's fault that we can't hire enough qualified staff. She regularly verbally abuses staff, and I found out (third hand, so I can't do anything about it) that she actually HIT two fourth graders last year when they were sent to the office for a scuffle! I mean, the Ring Leader is truly a fucking monster.
But I really need to stay until at least the end of the semester because I get two more paychecks. And I don't want to leave teaching. I LOVE being a teacher. But I can't keep doing this. And even though I have a place to live with my mom, rent free, I still have to fly home and ship my stuff home.
And oh, what awaits me at home! My brother is clinically depressed. My mom probably is, too, but she has God so she's fine, just fine! My other brother, who doesn't live with my mom, is clinically depressed among other things. His narcissist wife refuses still to file for divorce because she is too busy, but she also expects to be able to drop my niblings off at my mom's house every week so she can have "Me Time." Which she is owed. I mean, it's better than being homeless. I can't afford to go anywhere else. There are several para pro jobs at my local school district, including one working with newcomers (my hometown has a refugee office) which would be great! It's full-ish time, but it's hourly, so if/when I get a job for next year, I won't have to break a contract. And being home will make it easier for me to get visas because I don't have to figure out Taiwanese mail.
I really hope I can get a job before January because I can't quite afford to go to the HK Job Fair now. But the school that has shown a lot of interest in me, the one where my friend is working, has some major red flags. I went on International School Review, and the heads of the schools in the cities where I'd like to live have some MAJOR negative reviews. I can't go back to that. I can't go back to a toxic boss. If I went to the school where my friend is, I'd have a decent boss (her), but I'm not sure I want to live in Chengdu. I mean, Chengdu is probably fine, but the school is kind of on the outskirts of the actual city proper. On the other hand, it could be a stepping stone.
But I'm literally coming out of an abusive environment, and the Catholic-raised part of me still feels like suffering is deserved, and the Dad-raised part of me still feels like suffering makes me stronger, and the gas-lit, US-trained teacher part of me still thinks, "Do it for the children!"
Anyway, I'm fucking miserable and there's no way out but through, and I'm so fucking sick of being miserable, and I want to punch the Ring Leader and I want to punch my sister in law and I know (oh how I know, thanks, social media) that hundreds of thousands of people have it way worse than me, so why am I being such a whiny piss baby, and yeah.
Fucking grim.
