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Today, I got a little taste of what dementia might feel like, and I am NOT thrilled. So I was already feeling low due to a combination of cramps and chronic disrupted sleep (only got about 4 hours last night, and not consecutive). I go to class. There are 25 kids on the roster and 25 desks, so I rely on my seating chart for attendance. Three desks are empty, so I go through -- who’s absent? Curry, Anna, and Matthew. Great. But wait, the attendance program says Victoria is absent, not Anna. And there’s a kid in Anna’s seat. But it’s not Anna, is it? (I’ve gotten worse with faces as I’ve gotten older. It’s better since kids mostly stopped wearing masks, but still not great.)

So… are there four kids absent or three?

I’m talking through this, trying to make the attendance math work, and the kids are giggling but they aren’t saying anything. I figure they’re just giggling because Ms. Debra is a weird teacher and they like to laugh at me. Fair enough. Except the math isn’t mathing, especially as I hand back papers. I call for Anna. I look at the girl in Anna’s seat. She doesn’t come up. I call again, more insistently. Is… she Victoria? And just being cheeky and sitting in another seat?

I tell the kids to go to their assigned seats. No one moves.

I call Anna and look at her. She doesn’t get up.

I move on. I can’t deal with this right now. I have a headache.

I still have Anna’s and Victoria’s tests at the end.

I call William over. I trust William. He’s an outsider (his mom is Chinese and dad is American and he’s got a special schedule) like me. I point to Anna.

“Who is that girl?”

William looks at her. He hasn’t seen her all semester. He remembers -- it’s OLIVIA! Olivia, who moved at the end of the first term and WAS in this class before today. Olivia, who put on her old uniform and snuck (?) in to hang out with her friends because her new school is on holiday. (IIRC -- and that’s a big IF -- she and her family moved to New Zealand, so they might be on Easter break.)

Y’ALL. I LEGIT thought I was losing my mind. I recognized her, but once she moved and my class rosters got rearranged at the start of the new term, I put her out of my mind. So my brain recognized her as My Student but gave me no other information. None of the other kids offered information as I was clearly having a breakdown.

Or maybe not so clearly. I’m pretty silly a lot of the time, pretty dramatic, so maybe they thought I was just being silly and dramatic. They aren’t malicious kids, although they are sometimes naughty.

But none of them said, “Miss, that’s Olivia,” so I had to fight my brain and figure it out.

And that made me think -- is this what it was like for, say, my Granny, all the time? Seeing people that weren’t actually there and wondering why we were not backing her up? Asking for people who were long gone and being angry that we were keeping them from her?

Maybe I’m just being my silly and dramatic self, but it was a genuinely distressing ten minutes to not be able to trust my own mind because I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

Here is a synopsis from the publisher's website:

Unwanted by his adoptive parents, Jiang Cheng leaves home to live in a cold, gray city with his deadbeat dad whose only talent is feeding a gambling addiction. Alone save for his suitcase, the rebellious teenage boy arrives at the train station ready to face his miserable new life.

But the moment he steps off the platform, Jiang Cheng meets the peculiar young girl Gu Miao, along with her big brother Gu Fei—a boy his age with a musical staff shaved into his hair. Rumor has it that Gu Fei is bad news with dark secrets of his own, but Jiang Cheng still finds himself pulled toward the withdrawn delinquent thanks to Gu Miao and, perhaps, fate. The unlikely friendship that blossoms between them shows Jiang Cheng the hidden depths of Gu Fei…and the hidden depths of his own feelings.

I really got into this book. Even though it’s danmei, it’s less about the romantic relationship (especially in volume 1) and more about how these boys are navigating life in a rough place. The town is based on declining manufacturing cities in China. In the book, it’s a closed steelworks. The depiction of public school life, especially in a school that is not top-tier, was really interesting to me as a teacher. I know my experiences as a teacher in China are very different from the average teacher’s life, even as I’m now in a bilingual school and not an international school, but I could see some similarities between the teachers in the book and some of my colleagues, and I have a lot more sympathy for what they go through (even as I’m annoyed by a lot of things I have to deal with).

I’m looking forward to the rest of the volumes. I really hope Gu Miao turns out okay. She’s got some rough stuff going on for such a little kid.

Here is a synopsis from Kirkus Reviews:

Even though her boyfriend broke her heart and, in despair, she lost her job, 25-year-old Takako doesn’t want to leave Tokyo. Her uncle Satoru, though, owns a cramped, musty bookstore in Jimbocho, Japan’s famous book town, and he offers her a room in exchange for her assistance. Surveying her temporary abode among the piles of books, Takako says, “If I got even the slightest bit careless, my Towers of Babel would collapse.” Yagisawa’s short and engaging novel is simply structured, following the ordinary events of Takako’s days at the bookstore.

This novella is just under 150 pages long, and it’s a really nice story. As someone Satoru’s age rather than Takako, I did find myself more interested in his story and wished to know more about him, but I still enjoyed reading the story. When I looked up the synopsis for this book, I saw that a sequel had been published. I don’t know if I’ll read it. It introduces more of the bookshop customers, but I think I’m done dipping into this world. I enjoyed the time I spent there, and I’m ready to move on.

I read a book with a similar premise last year, the Korean novel Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop by Hwang Bo-reum, and I liked it better because we get the POV of multiple characters. Still, this book was an easy read, a nice palate cleanser between doomscrolling the news.

Here is a synopsis from the author's website:

Vera Wong is a lonely little old lady—ah, lady of a certain age—who lives above her forgotten tea shop in the middle of San Francisco’s Chinatown. Despite living alone, Vera is not needy, oh no. She likes nothing more than sipping on a good cup of Wulong and doing some healthy detective work on the Internet about what her Gen-Z son is up to.

Then one morning, Vera trudges downstairs to find a curious thing—a dead man in the middle of her tea shop. In his outstretched hand, a flash drive. Vera doesn’t know what comes over her, but after calling the cops like any good citizen would, she sort of . . . swipes the flash drive from the body and tucks it safely into the pocket of her apron. Why? Because Vera is sure she would do a better job than the police possibly could, because nobody sniffs out a wrongdoing quite like a suspicious Chinese mother with time on her hands. Vera knows the killer will be back for the flash drive; all she has to do is watch the increasing number of customers at her shop and figure out which one among them is the killer.

What Vera does not expect is to form friendships with her customers and start to care for each and every one of them. As a protective mother hen, will she end up having to give one of her newfound chicks to the police?

This book was such a fun read! It’s a bit like Miss Marple in Chinatown. The found family element is really heartwarming, and the reveal about the murder is heartbreaking and interesting. I loved the way the characters come together, and I love Vera.

There have been some changes over the last few weeks that have left me drained and angry and frustrated and feeling stuck and stupid and wishing I wasn’t an optimist, but then if I wasn’t an optimist, I wouldn’t be a teacher, so.

The gist of the whole Everything is learning that this school is as corrupt and morally bankrupt as pretty much any other school, especially in China. Parents and students rule the roost (i.e. a teacher was fired because he graded students fairly and the previous teacher had given all the kids A+s regardless of their ability and Precious Baby G8 student was an A+ student, so current teacher is obviously terrible and should be fired or we’ll take our children — and our tuition — elsewhere, so teacher was fired). Some changes to our duties were announced so late in the season that we don’t have the opportunity to go to any more job fairs this season, even though these changes have been in the works for years. The international principal told us, when discussing the issue of salaries, that she thinks of her live as volunteering! She comes to school every day for free, and when the shit hits the fan, as it does 3-4 times a year, well, she divides her salary up and Wow, she got paid a lot to deal with that! 😃 Cool, but passion doesn’t pay my rent. Nurturing the Youths doesn’t pay my rent. I fucking hate how teachers are constantly (and apparently all over the world) told how valuable and important we are and yet we can’t be just fucking paid for our time and expertise!

Anyway, none of the garbage is particularly new or interesting, but I had so hoped to find a school where I could feel good staying for a while, but this school ain’t it. I talked it over with my mom and made a little questionnaire for myself: Is this a place I want to stay long-term? No. Can I tolerate another year (finish my contract) without too much agony? Yes. So I updated my resume, will reactivate my profiles on job placement sites and hope for the best. I mean, it’s not like US schools are much better.

I really cannot reconcile the knowledge that people can be better and just … aren’t. I fucking hate it here (this planet, humanity), but I’m going to make it everyone else’s problem by being a thorn in the side of every lazy, greedy fucker I possibly can. And still find time for coffee and reading on the weekends.

Here is a synopsis from the publisher:

A rumour surrounds an old house. Send a letter and if it's chosen a mysterious ticket will be delivered to you.

No one is more surprised than Serin when she receives a ticket inviting her to a market that opens once a year when it rains.

Here she's offered to swap her life for another. A better one.

The problem? She has one week to find the perfect life and true happiness, or she'll be trapped inside the market forever.

Accompanied by Isha the cat, Serin searches through bookstores, hair salons and perfumeries before time runs out.

All while a shadow follows quietly behind them .

I saw this book on a list of recommended books of non-American books, and the premise was whimsical, so I decided to give it a try. It was fine. It’s not particularly subtle in its message, but the world building was interesting enough to carry me through reading the book. I read most of it on the metro as I went back and forth downtown this weekend (it’s an hour one way).

I bought a few more of these whimsical shop-themed books. I don’t love them, but they do make a nice break in between the dramatic empire-breaking danmei novels I’ve been reading. And in general, they are quite pleasant, which makes a nice break from reality.

The full title didn’t fit in the subject line; it is Better Living Through Birding: Notes from a Black Man in the Natural World.

Here is a synopsis from Good Reads:

Christian Cooper is a self-described “Blerd” (Black nerd), an avid comics fan and expert birder who devotes every spring to gazing upon the migratory birds that stop to rest in Central Park, just a subway ride away from where he lives in New York City. While in the park one morning in May 2020, Cooper was engaged in the birdwatching ritual that had been a part of his life since he was ten years old when what might have been a routine encounter with a dog walker exploded age-old racial tensions. Cooper’s viral video of the incident would send shock waves through the nation.

In Better Living Through Birding, Cooper tells the story of his extraordinary life leading up to the now-infamous incident in Central Park and shows how a life spent looking up at the birds prepared him, in the most uncanny of ways, to be a gay, Black man in America today. From sharpened senses that work just as well at a protest as in a park to what a bird like the Common Grackle can teach us about self-acceptance, Better Living Through Birding exults in the pleasures of a life lived in pursuit of the natural world and invites you to discover them yourself.

Equal parts memoir, travelogue, and primer on the art of birding, this is Cooper’s story of learning to claim and defend space for himself and others like him, from his days at Marvel Comics introducing the first gay storylines to vivid and life-changing birding expeditions through Africa, Australia, the Americas, and the Himalayas. Better Living Through Birding recounts Cooper’s journey through the wonderful world of birds and what they can teach us about life, if only we would look and listen.

Like millions of others, I learned about Christian Cooper through the spotlight of this racist incident in Central Park. I’d seen the footage he shot passed around social media and in compilations with titles like “Karens Ruin Their Lives!” Which, yeah. But I’m also a novice birder, so that’s what drew me to this memoir.

This book was very easy to read. Cooper has an engaging voice and has led an interesting life. There is less birding than I hoped for. I think I wanted something more like World of Wonders: In Praise of Fireflies, Whale Sharks, and Other Astonishments by Aimee Nezhukumatathil, a collection of autobiographical essays each centered on a plant or animal. However, since I’ve been “reading” that book for about two years now, it’s probably a good thing Cooper’s book is a more linear, straightforward memoir, or I might have found it too easy to put down and leave.

I recommend this book if you want to read about an interesting life. Cooper seems like a cool guy, and I enjoyed spending time with him through this book.

Here is a synopsis from the publisher:

Shen Zechuan is the eighth son of the traitorous Prince of Jianxing, a man who doomed his cities and people to destruction at the hands of the foreign enemy. As the only surviving member of his reviled line, Shen Zechuan is dragged to the capital in chains. He bears the hatred of the nation, but no one’s hate burns hotter than that of Xiao Chiye, the youngest son of the powerful Prince of Libei.

Xiao Chiye would love nothing more than to see Shen Zechuan dead–but against all odds, he clings to life. Rather than succumb to his family’s disgrace, he becomes a thorn in Xiao Chiye’s side, clawing his way into the cutthroat political world of the capital. Yet as these two bitter enemies beat against the bonds of their fate, they find themselves kindred spirits, unlikely allies…and perhaps something more.

I am branching out in danmei with my first new-to-me story (as in, I haven’t seen an adaptation or read something by the author before), Ballad of Sword and Wine. I finished Stars of Chaos over the winter break and was at Barnes and Noble and bought a few books to try out. This story seems to be a fairly straightforward fantasy novel, with lots of political intrigue — the synopsis quoted above lays it out pretty well. I had a bit of a hard time getting into it at first because i had a hard time keeping track of factions and the provinces (?)/ clans within the Empire, but this is, as the kids say, a skill issue on my part and something I struggle with when I read high fantasy. But I used my good reader skills (and the novel Wiki and map and character lists) and got into the plot.

The main pair is super toxic to start with — this is an enemies-to-lovers story, which isn’t normally something I like, but so far, I feel like the author is putting in strong characterization work to make their relationship development pay off well. From what I’ve read (I have seen a few spoilers as well), Shen Zechuan and Xiao Chiye become Ride or Die in a sort of Thelma and Louise way (but with a better ending), and I think it will be an enjoyable story to follow.

I’ve gotten more squeamish about violence in fiction as I’ve gotten older, so I was a little nervous going in. I didn’t see anything on content warning lists that really pinged for me, so I decided to go for it and read the book. There are a few YIKES moments as the intrigue unfolds, but they have, so far, been deftly handled and minimally described (or they happen offscreen), similar to the levels in, say, She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan. There is one instance of animal cruelty in volume one that is awful, but when I realized what was happening, I could skip ahead. It fit the plot but it was also not something I wanted to read the details of.

I was going to wait to start volume 2 until I’d read a few more of the books I bought over break, but I am really interested to see where the characters go, so I got the ebook version to read on my phone when I’m like on the metro or something.

Update (even though I haven’t yet posted as I write this): I zipped through volumes 2 and 3 and now I have to wait until May for volume 4 (and there are 8 volumes in total, I think) — I have played myself.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the characters. I saw some commentary on Tumblr that posited Shen Zechuan is what Meng Yao could have been if he’d been acknowledged from the start and if he’d had some real support. I can kind of see it. Shen Zechuan is illegitimate but raised in his father’s household until he is seven (although he is definitely neglected and abused by the maids who actually raise him and by his older brothers). When he’s seven, all the illegitimate sons are sent to other places to be actually raised. Shen Zechuan is sent to the Ji family, who actually takes care of him. He has about eight years of a stable, loving upbringing, and then the tragedy that starts the story happens. From fifteen to twenty, he’s a prisoner in the capital, but he’s fortunate that he gets a teacher and that his shifu, Ji Gang, survived the massacre at the beginning of the book, so he’s turned into the weapon he becomes, which fuels a lot of tragedy. Shen Zechuan becomes completely ruthless, and he kills a LOT of people. BUT he still has support throughout, especially once Xiao Chiye shifts from enemy to lover.

And that shift from enemies to lovers is so interesting. There’s a lot of lust at the root, but once they actually start to get to know each other, they see how much their goals — well, they don’t necessarily align but they also don’t conflict each other, because I think Xiao Chiye would have fought Shen Zechuan if he truly decided to get in his way. As it is, their conflict becomes their foreplay, but at a really crucial point in the narrative, they are truly (literally) ride or die.

And now I have to wait to see how the story plays out.

I came home this break to three elderly dogs -- Spike, our 14 year old dachshund, Ginger, our 13-15ish year old rescue mutt (they didn't know how old she was when she was taken to the shelter), and Lizzie, my brother's 19-20 year old rescue mutt. Lizzie lives with my mom because his ex was too inconvenienced by Lizzie's increased needs, because my ex-SIL is a bitch. ANYWAY.

I was really glad to spend time with the doggos, because at this age, you know any day can be it. And this morning, Spike's time came. It was quick and seemed to be painless. I guess it's the best you can hope for in these circumstances. I'm certainly glad that my mom didn't have to make any decisions about it, and I'm glad I was here because being alone in China and getting the news would have sucked. I haven't gotten to see my best friend at all this trip because she had pneumonia, but at least I got to text her and get an immediate reply because we're in the same time zone.

If you have pets, give them all an extra cuddle today.

Well, unsurprisingly, being back in the US has definitely triggered a huge spike in anxiety. Part of it is definitely family stuff -- my brothers' lives are hard, made harder both by circumstance and by their own actions, my aunts and uncles are aging, the dogs are old, my bestie had pneumonia, so I haven't gotten to see her. A big part is The State of Things, even though I really stay off the news. Today, I coped by buying my mom a bunch of meat -- chicken, ground pork, ground beef. I almost had a panic attack in the store and I still feel shakey, not because I couldn't afford the food (and the prices were actually pretty good, not much more than they've been over the last few years, plus there were BOGO sales on the beef and chicken) but because my horrible brain weasels were just gnawing away at things. I still kind of want to cry atm as the anxiety spike eases. It reminds me of going shopping in the early days of the pandemic. I remember walking around the grocery store, trying to figure out what we needed (we didn't really need much at that moment) and buying, like, a jug of soy sauce. I mean, we do use soy sauce frequently, compared to a lot of other Idahoans, but not THAT frequently.

My mom isn't saying anything about the meat (aside from thank you, of course), but I think she can tell I'm worried lol. It's just, she feeds a lot more people -- brother one contributes a little, brother two doesn't but he's also chronically underemployed due to a combination of things outside of his control AND he's trying to take care of his kids and get his divorce processed (SIL is NOT helping because she's a monster). I don't want my niblings to worry about food, so the best thing I could do is buy some meat.

ANYWAY, I probably need to just go to a therapist to get on medication again, because it's not like they can do anything about The State of Things overall. So there you go!

I have finished Sha Po Lang! *dies*

I really, really enjoyed this novel. I'm so glad I stuck with it when I had trouble getting into volume one. The world building is interesting, the political intrigue is intriguing enough to keep me interested but not so heavy that it bogged down the narrative, and the relationship between Chang Geng and Gu Yun was a lot of fun to follow.

Volume five clocks in at 436 pages, and only about half is spent wrapping up the main story. Most of the rest is extra stories that give us glimpses of the characters' lives in the decades after the main story. They are a bit of a mixed bag, as you might expect, but some give a bit of back story, some give glimpses into a happy future. (I'll admit, I skimmed the one about Liao Ran because he's kind of a drip.)

At the end, there is an author afterword, however, that really warms me down to my toes.

THIS STORY İs a fairytale written for kidults.

It often seems that, in life, loneliness is more inevitable than death. To young readers, perhaps death is far off, something to be considered only in the distant future. If one can find meaning in life and death during one's time on this earth, then perhaps the prospect of leaving it might even become, to some, something romantic.

The same cannot be said of loneliness. Loneliness grows in the cracks in our bones and lingers in the spaces between our breaths. The extroverted reach out to their peers in every way they can, hoping to establish a flash of connection and forget their solitude. Meanwhile, the introverted turn to their own souls for comfort in a futile attempt to bury their loneliness beneath a veneer of calm.

During Stars of Chaos: Sha Po Lang's initial serialization on JJWXC, many readers, yet to finish the novel, left their pessimistic predictions under each chapter. Some believed the protagonists' intense feelings for each other would be tainted by power, while others presumed the chaos of war would force them to part forever, in life and death. Everyone knows the world is as changeable as the tide, human emotions are as thin as paper, and regardless of whether one is a saint, sage, deity, or demon, everyone is bound by their own circumstances.

But I did not allow this story to develop that way. Instead, I did my best to turn this novel into a dreamy reverie— a puff of cotton candy that might be sold by Disney. To that end, I constructed an intricate plot with many details to give the semblance of realism. This way, in the handful of hours during which readers immersed themselves in this story, they could forget the trials and tribulations of life and find some small measure of solace.

This is the kind of author I am. I do not wish to touch the truths of the world, nor do I wish to interrogate any one's soul. I only wish to comfort you, my readers.

Good night.

priest

Written on the night of January 14, 2024, in Beijing, China.

I love this, especially since being so overtly comforting is often a mark against a story, and that is just silly. And I also love that all the Seven Seas danmei titles have illustrations throughout. I think all books should have illustrations.

Anyway, if you were waiting for all the English novels to be published, they're out now. I'm looking forward to the publication of Mo Du/Silent Reading, which, from what I've gleaned so far, seems to make a liar out of the priest who wrote Sha Po Lang's afterword, but I really like priest's works, so I'm going to give it a shot.

I’ve been home (at my mom’s) for just over 24 hours now. So far, we have:
3 elderly dogs (aged 13-19) hanging out
Nibling cuddles!
Nephew giving me a hug and saying he missed me and he can’t wait to see what treats I brought him 😂 (at least he said he missed me first)
Niece drawing me pictures of kittens and saying, as she was drawing, “you’re gonna love this so much, Auntie Deb!” (I do love them!)
Jet lag
Nachos
Diner breakfast
FREEZING COLD TEMPS (the week’s HIGHS are all BELOW freezing)
Wi-Fi that connects automatically, no need for my VPN
Book mail
New sweaters
Doggie cuddles
Minimal family weirdness (so far)

ALSO, I finished season two of Under the Skin and I. Am. DYING. What a cliffhanger! UGH! Thankfully, there’s some excellent fic already, I’m tentatively making some friends (I hope) and have one friend at least who is watching it now so I can squeal in real time.

EDIT: my mom just reminded me that yesterday was the anniversary of my dad’s death. It didn’t hit me this year, probably because I was busy with work and then stressed about travel. It’s also the anniversary of my great-grandma’s death (25 years!) — I remember staying with her while my grandparents went to the funeral of my other great-grandma. I was stressing about a paper for finals and she, being an Italian nonna to the core, saw me struggling, laughed, and got me something to eat. The years really do be coming and they don’t stop coming.

Okay, I knew that it would be colder here in Shanghai than it was in Taiwan, but I figured since it didn’t snow, it would be fine, better than Minsk.

Friends, I was wrong! I did not prepare for winter well at all! January 5th marked the start of 小寒 (xiǎo hán, or Minor Cold) month on the Chinese 24 month solar calendar (I haven’t researched more into it, I’ve just picked up tidbits from various social media posts) and yikes! The temps have dipped below freezing AND the humidity has dropped, so my skin is tight and itchy and cold. Plus, my apartment is not well insulated and doesn’t have central heating (typical of Chinese apartments). And Songjiang is really windy, and my apartment windows sit in the path of the wind, so it’s dang cold! And tomorrow marked the start of 大寒 (dà hán, or Major Cold)! I’ll be heading to Idaho on Tuesday for three weeks, right into Idaho’s dà hán season. But I’ve ordered warmer clothes so I’ll be able to better handle the weather there and when I come back. AND crucially, it’s generally been sunny out, which has made a HUGE difference. Minsk was always cloudy and, being so far north, had long, dark winters. And Taiwan, while warmer, was also cloudy and rainy.

Despite the cold, I’m really enjoying life here overall. School is still school, and I’m still going to look for a new job for when my contract ends, but it’s bearable. And I’m back into writing fic, in my first new fandom since I watched The Untamed in 2020. I started watching Under the Skin, a c-drama about a police detective and an artist who becomes the sketch artist. The characters make some WILD choices as police officers, but the lead actors are so charismatic (and handsome) and I’m hooked.

I also finally joined 小红书 — I meant to do it when I got here, but I forgot. However, the TikTok refugee flood reminded me to sign up. My friend Breeze recommended it to me months ago, and I’ve been struggling to find non-Starbucks cafes on Instagram, so I joined and will explore when I get back from vacation in furtherance of my goals to have more treats AND learn more Chinese.

I’m not super big on New Year’s Resolutions, but I do like challenges, like writing challenges and year-long collection of things (I’ve done one completed temperature cross stitch for me, I did one for my mom, and one I’ll try to finish for 2024), and the changing of the calendar is a convenient time to do that, so…

I received a 2025 Planner as a gift from a friend. I don’t use calendar-year planners because I have my teacher plan book, but since it was a gift, I thought I would try a gratitude journal again. I did one back in 2016 or 2017, and I tried in 2020 or 2021 and failed. I don’t think I kept the one I completed — I’m not particularly sentimental, and I don’t save my old journals for very long. The act of writing is more important to me than the act of re-reading. At any rate, this little book has small boxes for each day, so I’m going to write down one positive thing about the day in each box. I’m sure some days will be “I got out of bed and went to work,” or “I washed the dishes in the sink.” I had more than a few days with the smallest of good things in that 2016-2017 journal. But I did get through to better days, and I hope the coming year will be more good days, on balance. And I have a use for a thing that was given with affection.

This year, I really want to get to know where I live. It helps that I live in one of the world’s greatest cities. When I moved to China in 2018, I didn’t really get to know Shenzhen. Instead, I took advantage of the easy travel in East Asia. Then when I moved to Minsk, it was pretty-vaccine, post-Lukashenko’s fraudulent election, so, not the ideal time for exploring. I still got to do and see some incredible things, particularly since I never imagined I’d live in Belarus. But I really wasted a lot of time in Minsk, and I don’t see myself going back. In Taiwan, I struggled with work and money, and so I only really got myself out and about in the last few months of my time there. And now I’m back in China, and despite an early setback of pneumonia, I am resolved to poke around Shanghai and its environs as much as possible. (Next year, in addition to looking for another school, I hope to travel a bit more in China.)

I would also like to try more non-Starbucks cafes, if I can find anything with seating! I would also like to eat more cake when I go to those cafes. Pastries or cookies are also acceptable. I’m not actually a fan of sweets as much, but I would like to try nice ones. That was one thing I loved about Minsk — a little cafe with lovely, fresh cakes. I liked this blueberry-lavender cake they had.

Oh, I guess I’d like to keep up with Duolingo and French, and I really should put more effort in to Chinese. (I did watch all of season one of Under the Skin, so I’m counting that as listening practice.)

So those are my big goals for 2025. I’m not starting another temperature tracker project, and I’ve decided not to try GYWO again. I know I have a lot on my plate, and a lot of WIPs that need to be finished, craft-wise. But I think poking around and eating cake are excellent things to look forward to this year.

Well, a western new year begins. We will get a proper holiday in about 3 weeks, with the Lunar New Year break. One of the major reasons I will NOT continue with this school after my contract is up.

This new school is not a good fit, which is a shame. I had wanted to find somewhere to stay for a while. I really like living in Shanghai, even though I don’t feel like I’m living in Shanghai because I’m so far out in the ‘burbs. I like the seasons, I like the cold! I like being dry most of the time! (It’s far less humid here in the winter than I was expecting, so I’m having to adjust some things, but basically, when I dry my hair in the morning, it stays dry during the day, which it did NOT do when I lived in Taiwan.)

But I really miss living in Taiwan. I miss my friends, of course. I do NOT miss Clown School. I was lucky enough to go visit them on the 3 days off that foreign staff got for Christmas. I think Taipei might be my favorite city in the world. Unfortunately, the international school situation in Taipei is very small and very competitive, and living in other cities is tough because the pay is a lot lower, so it’s hard to save, which I definitely need to do as I creep out of middle age. (Yes, I’m barely IN middle age, but the years start coming and they don’t stop coming, y’know?)

Well, I hope after my contract is up here, I’ll find a school where I can be for a while. Till then, I’ll make do here. It’s not great, but it’s also not Clown School, so I’ll take it.

Now that I’m over pneumonia, I’m back on my weekend explorations. The weekend before I went to Taiwan, I went to check out Xujiahui Cathedral (right by my LEAST favorite metro station in Shanghai, lol), Longhua Temple and Pagoda, the Wukang Building, Jing’an Temple, and Xintiandi Walking Street (a shopping district that is too fancy for my tastes, but has cool vibes).

I have some plans for this weekend, and then the following weekend, I’m gonna have a little staycation so I can check out the Lantern Festival displays without having to worry about getting a ride back to my district late in the evening. And then I get to go home to see my family!

I hope 2025 treats you all kindly. I hope you have a very calm year.

This is just a brief roundup of things I’ve read that I really liked. I’m not going to do the normal link and synopsis thing because I don’t have the energy. I trust that if any of these pique your interest, you’ll look them up.

The Last Cuentista by Donna Barba Higuera — I picked this up on a whim at the Shanghai Foreign Language Bookstore. It’s a middle-grade science fiction novel about a girl, Petra, whose family is chosen to be part of a group of humans leaving Earth to start a new life. A massive comet is headed towards Earth, so these people represent the hope that humanity will live on. The settlers are meant to live in stasis until they reach their new home, which had been found by previous explorers. As Petra and her family are boarding their ship, they hear explosions. A group intent on stopping the mission has attacked. Petra and her family get into stasis and out into space. However, Petra wakes up early to learn that a group called The Collective has taken over the ship and killed all the adults. They’ve kept the children as fodder for exploration. I won’t say more (partly because it’s been a few months since I read it), but this is an absolutely gripping novel. It’s quite dark, and I think more kids books need that darkness. It does have a hopeful ending. Honestly, I think you all should just read it. I tried to read Higuera’s novel Alebrjias earlier this year, but I didn’t have time to finish it before I left for China. As it turns out, that novel is something of a sequel to TLC, so I’ll definitely go back to it.

Sha Po Lang/Stars of Chaos, vol 4 by Priest — I’m so glad I kept going with this story when things were rough with volume one. I love the world building and the character relationships (not just the main romance). Chang Geng is such a dork, I love him. I’m sad that the series will be over as the final volume is due out in January, but I’m looking forward to seeing how the Empire fares.

Winter’s Gift by Ben Aaronovitch — this is a novella in the Rivers of London universe, featuring Agent Kimberley Reynolds, the American FBI agent who paired up with Peter Grant in a previous novel. It was fine. It features some Native American myths and creatures, and I thought it was handled more or less respectfully by the white British author (but I’m a white American, so there may be things that others would ping that I missed). As a novella, the plot does feel a bit thin. I read most of it while on the metro, trekking back and forth from my home to downtown. It’s a nice kind of book for a commute. I didn’t love Kimberley as a character the way I like Peter, but it was fine overall.

I’ve been working through some of the manga I’ve acquired. I read My Dearest Patrolman by Niyama. The author mentioned they wrote this with some specific tropes they love (size difference, age gap), and to be honest, I don’t really love those tropes, but the first two volumes were cute enough. The age gap is between someone in his late twenties and someone in his late thirties (although they did meet when the younger man was in his teens, but nothing happened between them until they were well into adulthood, which I prefer in an age gap story). I like to read some of these BL manga to get ideas for AUs for my fics. Overall, fluffy and easy to read while I was home sick.

I’ve been exhausted by work, and I’ve been annoyed by a lot of things at my new school, things that put a pretty short shelf life on my time there. However, they have been wonderful this week as I’ve been sick with pneumonia. At Clown School, the ring leader harangued one of my coworkers, who got Covid and then pneumonia, to get back to work. Here, I had to do a few things to take the time off (thankfully, the pneumonia is such that I could do a few things, but definitely needed the days off after), and then they took care of covering my classes. One teacher took time to grade some quizzes, which put off my pacing because the kids didn’t get the lesson done I had planned, but to be honest, the assignment was just something to help keep them occupied for 90 minutes, and it was a sweet gesture, so I’ll take it.

The other thing that made me feel better about the whole situation is that my insurance here is really good. I got to go to the fancy hospital that caters to foreigners, got blood work, a chest x-ray and CT scan all done, checked out, diagnosed and prescribed meds in about 2 hours. My deductible is 1000 rmb, which is about $140, which is still a bit to shell out at once, but I could pay it. I didn’t have to worry about spiraling costs. I shouldn’t have to pay anything for my follow-up visits.

Obviously, I’d rather not be ill, because it sucks, but I’m able to handle it much better than I would in the US.

Oh hello! I finally have a minute to catch my breath, so to speak, so I thought I’d update you all on life in Shanghai.

It’s fine.

I don’t like my new school. The metaphor I’ve come up with is that it’s like wearing the wrong pair of underpants -- be they too small, too tight, too low-cut, too old and stretched out -- whatever it is, they’ll do in a pinch, but they are uncomfortable to be in too long. If you stay in them for way too long (like a too-tight pair), you risk getting an infection. It’s a gross metaphor, but it works. I’ve come from a much worse place to a place that merely (so far) doesn’t fit and isn’t going to fit, no matter how much I change myself or try to make myself smaller to fit. But I can put up with it long enough to finish the contract.

What’s not great: no collaboration, lots of busy work that “looks good for the parents,” terrible classroom management all around, terrible behavior management in general -- the kids run and scream (literally scream) in the halls with no negative consequences. They leave garbage and food in the desks instead of throwing things away. They are openly disrespectful to the foreign staff, outright ignoring us when we speak -- on Sports Day, for example, I was helping with a scooter relay race. It was run by one of the PE teachers, who’s from India, with help from me and a national colleague. They flat out ignored the PE teacher in charge and me, but would listen to the national teacher.

Generally, however, the kids are pretty nice kids. They’re absolutely spoiled, privileged little buggers. Their actions are totally at odds with the Socialist Values (which are posted in every classroom). It’ll be interesting to see how these kids grow up and make their mark on China. And the hypocrisy between the image of China and the ideal Chinese citizens projected hard by the government is not as jarring as I thought it would be, especially as I’ve watched the majority of citizens in my own country elect that human cancer president. It is a little hard to watch speeches about role models that praise Mao, but there were also speeches praising Elon Musk, which I’ve seen in every school I’ve ever taught in. You are not immune to propaganda, etc.

But my students are, as individuals, quite sweet. I enjoy working with them.

I’ve never been so busy at a job and so bored at the same time. I feel like I’m constantly grading things. A part of this is due to having more students than I’ve had in a while. I have a roster closer to the size I’d have had in the US. That definitely takes getting used to. But a good deal of what I’m actually marking is garbage busy work. Weekly vocab quizzes that the students have no time to actually properly learn. Pedagogy that has been proven ineffective for decades is the norm here. And this is not really the fault of the national curriculum. For that particular bug, we turn to the British side of things!

Our dear British leaders are adamant that we do the kill-and-drill style of vocab practice. Well, I suppose we could try something else, but our pacing chart is packed so tight that I’d have to jettison lessons on the novel that we’re doing. I’m also expected to teach grammar in there, but there’s no grammar curriculum, so it’s just “figure it out!”

When I was interviewed for this job, one thing I made abundantly clear is that I wanted a place where I could do true collaboration with colleagues, particularly cross-curricular but I’d also love to work with my other grade-level teachers. The problems, however, are that we are strictly scheduled with regards to content that I couldn’t collaborate with other content areas, even if I wanted to. And the other lessons are taught in Chinese. And those subjects are on as fixed a track as we are. As for collaborating with my grade-level peers, the classes are streamed by ability, so I can’t do something with my 7th graders (who are top level) that my coworker, who has students with lower English skills, can also do with his. In addition, I share each group of kids with a national teacher, and when I tried to set up something with them, I was called into the principal’s office and told in no uncertain terms that I was to think of them as a totally different subject. There would be no collaboration. Except that we share a stupidly complex gradebook made in fucking excel spreadsheets because why not! It’s not like it’s 2024 and there are programs that will take care of all this. No, we have to share a spreadsheet, agree on the “social” grades (participates in class, turns in work on time) for each kid, even if they behave in totally different ways between the teachers (see the above paragraphs about how national teachers are treated versus international teachers). And then we have to HAND COPY the data into the one data management system we have, which DOES have a gradebook function that we are not allowed to use. All of this leaves me exhausted without feeling like I’ve done any real teaching.

And the British attitudes. Now, I know and love many British people, but there is a particular type of British expat (especially one who vehemently calls themselves expats rather than migrants or immigrants) who comes to East Asia to work. They marry local gals, make little effort to integrate, and are the most patriarchal bastards you’ve ever met. Alas, I work with some. The younger ones even have a veneer of liberalism to them, but it’s a pretty thin veneer. And I know Americans abroad are just as likely to be dicks, but I know how to work with them. I know how to fight them without too much stress. But the attitude of appearance over substance is a killer for someone like me, for whom teaching is a valued profession, one that I take very seriously. I’m not willing to just show up, read from a script, collect my pay, and go home.

Working in a bilingual school is also a lot lonelier than I anticipated. I’m an introvert, but I still want to be able to talk to my coworkers. And while technically all the national staff are bilingual, milage varies on that. And no shade to them. This is their home and their language. DuoLingo and Rocket Language aren’t speedy teachers. It’s still lonely. And because we’re all run off our feet with busy work, making friends with international teachers in other grades is really tough. I’ve managed to make friends with that Indian PE teacher and one of the kindergarten teachers. I’ve also been adopted by the South African contingent (one of whom is my department coworker) and made part of their bi-weekly dinner groupchat, which is awesome. But one thing I’m hearing is that no one is happy here.

Some teachers are interviewing for other schools right now. Others are planning to leave mid-contract. Because I came from a much worse situation before, I am fairly confident I can stick it out for two years. Plus, my finances took a MAJOR hit this year, and I can’t afford to walk away with nothing again. I can’t even go home because both my brothers are in much worse shape than I am, and there isn’t really space for me right now. They’d make space for me if I had to leave, but if I don’t have to go, I’m going to try not to go and make things more stressful for family (and myself).

But there have been some positives!

I LOVE Shanghai’s fall weather. We’ve had a good mix of cooler temps and sunshine. Two weekends back, I finally made it to the Shanghai Film Park, and I stood on the very spot where Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan “met” for the first time, on the campus of Dragon City University. Be still my fangirl heart! Downtown Shanghai (Huangpu District and its direct neighbors, basically) is fascinating. It is, unfortunately, an hour from my home by metro (and anywhere from 45 minutes to two hours depending on traffic by car), so it’s not like I can pop down for dinner after work, but I have been trying to take myself on little adventures on the weekends. The Former French Concession and International Districts (now parts of Huangpu and Xuhui Districts) have a lot of old Art Deco architecture and interesting shops and cafes. They’re great places to walk around. The Bund is wild and super touristy but still has some cool things to see. There are some great museums around. And I can’t emphasize enough how much I love having proper fall weather again.

I’m not thrilled about the Chinese school calendar, which means no Christmas break, although the international staff kindly get December 25-27 off, while the rest of the school has a Chinese Culture Week. While I would love to take part in that, I’m going to Taipei to visit my friends.

So that’s where I’m at for now. I’m going to try and save up money for the next 2-4 years (possibly aiming for Guangdong Province after this, although it would be back to yucky hot and humid weather). I definitely will be at a regular international school. No more bilingual schools, and no more British schools. By then, I hope to have enough experience to get into a good school in Taipei. I really miss Taipei. I don’t have nostalgia-tinted views about my last school, but I really, really liked Taipei. I would love to live there, even inspite of the climate.

So we’ll see what happens.

That “Ahhhhhh” has to do with the general busy-ness of life these days, not Shanghai itself. I’ve never been so tired and yet so bored in a job in my life. I come home brain dead and wrung out, but I feel like I’m not doing good teaching at all. A lot of it has to do with the huge increase in grading I’ve had to do. I sort of expected it because I have about 3 times the students I’ve had recently. But also the kind of work we do is just busy work. So much kill-and-drill vocab! I had to photocopy something called a “long read” — a short story or article I get to choose — each week, and the kids Do Not Read It. Well, probably 80% of them don’t read it. They just go for the vocab list, look up definitions, even if they aren’t the right word, and scribble down something. They don’t learn the definitions. They hardly even memorize things to pass the quiz. And there’s NO consequence for failure. There’s no grades aside from completed/collected. There’s no incentive to pass. I spend so much fucking time on these.

Then, we’re spending four months on a novel, which is WAY too slow. It doesn’t allow for the kids to practice and apply skills across multiple texts.

The school is VERY hung up on appearances. I have done NO collaboration, but I’ve done plenty of commiseration with colleagues.

Now, this place is still a hundred times better than Clown School, but that also makes its deficiencies stand out all the more starkly. It’s quite lonely being in a bilingual school. My international ELA department colleagues are super nice. I’m enjoying them. The national staff (outside of the ELA department) ignores us. The national staff in the ELA department is pretty clique-y as well. And I get why. We don’t really speak Chinese, and while they speak English, they’re not in an English-speaking country.

All this is to say I definitely will not be staying beyond my contract, but I feel like I can finish my contract.

I really like Shanghai. I love cool autumn weather. I love the cultural opportunities. I’m planning to go to the Shanghai Film Park (finally!) this weekend if it doesn’t rain too much.

But I definitely want to get back into a straight-up international school next. Wish me luck.

PS My family is still falling apart and chaotic and my uncle had a stroke this week (minor, but still), so I’m really happy to be Not There, and I feel guilty as fuck about that. So that’s something. 😅

I got my new tumblr back after not even a day. I fired off the support email, went to bed, and the next morning, there was a response and the app was working again, so I think the issue was with the app and not my account. I had a little back and forth with the support staff, but then they stopped responding so … 🤷🏻‍♀️ I still haven’t heard a response to my old blog, so I am not at all confident I’ll get it back. I might try logging in at Christmas when I’m in Taiwan. I haven’t tried logging in here because I can’t find a reliable VPN that works with my home WiFi and my laptop. I’ve only found one that works on my iPad and iPhone, so I’m stuck using the tumblr app. It’s not ideal, but at least I’ve got it back for now?

I’m slowly rebuilding my follow list, and I am enjoying seeing my favorite arts and posts again. I follow the same tags, so Tumblr recommends these posts, like some excellent Nie Huaisang and Nie Mingue/Nie Bros vibes that I love. I get to see them again!

Anyway, if I suddenly disappear again, it’s probably app shenanigans.