wrote_and_writ

We have a teacher work day tomorrow, but today was our last day with the kids. I'm so happy it was relatively normal. We lost a lot of students over the last six months, through moves and evacuations. Some students left early in the week -- this last week was for fun activities and make up work. There are some kids I didn't get to officially say goodbye to. One of my sourest Sour Patch kids got super emotional and hugged me like six times before he left. While I'm so excited for my next teaching adventure, I am really sad to be leaving the family at QSIM.

I'm not sad to be skipping the staff party tonight. I just don't like parties. I find them stressful, even when I like all the people who will be there. Instead, I'm going to have one last pizza with Rachel. Over the last couple months, I've come to appreciate her for who she is, and despite all the surface things that bothered me, and despite a few philosophical divergences, she has been a very good friend to me the last two years. Better than I deserve. She's a wonderful teacher, and I am going to miss hearing about her adventures with elementary school and complaining about our mutual frenemy/boss (who is also kind but very frustrating).

I'm definitely ready to leave Belarus, though.

Looking forward, I have to take some PD classes, so I'm starting with one about project-based learning. I also need to figure out some sort of general curriculum arc for next year. Switching back to a points-based system from a standards-based one will be a bit tricky. I have a few rubrics for writing that I like, so I spent some time tinkering with a conversion today while the kids were running around getting yearbooks signed. I have a workable draft. I need to adjust one of my essay rubrics to make it work, though. But this is one of my favorite things about teaching. I love the optimism of planning.

But for now -- pizza and last-minute packing are the order of the day.

Time for some patented spit-everything-on-paper-to-sort-out-feelings!

I don't think I am alone in fretting about The Future. Lol.

Here's the sitch. I'm leaving my job and Belarus in just under four weeks. This is not the first time I've left a job without another lined up. Things have worked out fine each time. The period between 2008-2013 was fiendishly difficult. At the time, I didn't really understand what being in a recession meant. I only knew that I was underemployed, trying to find what I wanted, getting rejected personally and professionally, learning so much new stuff in grad school, losing my dad, etc. (Looking back, I want to tell Younger Deb "Girl, you are doing really well in the midst of All This!") I tend to discount the effects of things like War and Global Pandemic and Political Unrest and Violence because, I mean, it's not affecting me, personally, so I should be just fine, right?

(Except it is, and it's a lot and it continues to be a lot.)

So when some new ball is tossed in for me to juggle, it is going to take some time to adjust my pattern. If I drop some balls, I can pick them up again. Or leave them. Maybe they needed to be dropped.

This week, the new balls are job-related. The school in Vilnius to which I applied in January re-posted their position. I sent a message expressing my continued interest around 6:30 AM Tuesday. The head of the school emailed me around 9 AM to see when I'd be available for an interview. I replied within an hour with some options. And ... crickets. (It's the end of the year. Everyone is busy. It's fine.)

I also saw a post about a school in Sofia. There are two in that school: one full time English teaching and one 50/50 teaching and department head. I didn't see the duties for the department head, so I asked the contact at the placement agency if she had them. She said she could ask for me. I said, yes, please. She said, "Okay, I told them you were interested! Byeeeee!"

I'm not not interested, but the head of that school emailed today to ask if I wanted to interview on Monday and also discuss the position!

I said yes because I figured it wouldn't hurt to talk to them. It also gives me the opportunity to remember that I am allowed to say no if a job is offered, even if the job would be pretty good. But I'm not sure what I want more.

My lizard brain wants to just go home. To take time off. Experience tells me that I will be ready to leave again by August because my family is a lot and continues to be stressful, and I've learned that I need physical space between me and them (mostly my siblings and various aunts and uncles). Then I feel guilty because I love them.

I know, I know. My therapist said that it's not bad to want a life with space. And that I can only live my own life, not theirs. They will make their choices. I must make mine. I can only make mine. My mom says this, too, although she also says to pray to the Holy Spirit. This does not negate her practical advice. It's just a Thing She Does.

(Actually, it's kind of good that I'm reading Wuthering Heights right now. My family isn't nearly as bananas and clingy as the Earnshaw/Heathcliff/Linton troupe, but there is a certain amount of clinginess and bitterness. Reading the novel reminds me that I do not want to get stuck in the Twin Falls equivalent of the Moors.)

Taking a year off would be kind of nice, although I would have to pay for health insurance and find some sort of job to make sure I don't drain my savings. But I like teaching. And I don't want to teach in America. For the job, I'm leaning toward Vilnius because I've been there. It's a nice city. It also has a full IB program, and I want that sweet, sweet IB experience! The school in Sofia only offers it to their handful of international students. Vilnius is a true international school with an American-style curriculum and American accreditation. Sofia is an American school for Bulgarian students, mostly. Class sizes are comparable, benefit packages are comparable. Getting home to Idaho from either place looks equally difficult. (It's impossible to get home from anywhere overseas without at least two layovers and a two-hour drive from Boise.) Both countries are in the EU, although Bulgaria isn't on the euro yet. Moving to Vilnius would be super easy because I could drop stuff off on my way home this summer. Sofia's start and end date are later than Vilnius's.

Okay. After typing this out, Vilnius is still my top choice. I just hope they want me.

School continues. We are halfway through AP testing season. My AP Research kiddos managed to get their essays turned in. I think they did well, but we won't know the scores until July. They did very well on their Presentations and Oral Defenses, though.

We have six more weeks of school, and it will be a struggle to get through the rest of the material I'm required to teach, but we can do it! I decided that for British Lit we'll read Wuthering Heights. I haven't read it since high school, so I've been re-reading it, and wow, the Lintons and Earnshaws are a messed up bunch!

I also dived into the Dracula Daily. If by chance you haven't seen it all over your social media, this site has the 411. I am loving the memes and commentary. I shared the project with my coworkers and students, and several are reading along. It will be nice to have some shared topics aside from war, political unrest, COVID, and our students for our conversations.

I took a trip to Riga and Vilnius for spring break, and this past weekend, I went to a few towns in Belarus as a sort of farewell tour. I'm not great about getting photos on here, so if you're on instagram, I have a public account, far_from_idahome, that you could look at if you want to see pics.

No writing, lots of reading. In addition to Wuthering Heights and Dracula, I got a copy of Our Violent Ends by Chloe Gong. It's the sequel to These Violent Delights and is a retelling of Romeo and Juliet set in 1920's Shanghai. The families are gang families, but there is also a supernatural twist with a monster. Now that it's been a few days since I finished, I think that the supernatural element didn't pay off as well as I hoped. There was quite enough drama with the blood feud between the families AND the impending Communist revolution/problems with colonizers. I won't spoil the supernatural stuff because it was interesting. It felt like an addition to keep the retelling from being a more straightforward political adaptation. Anyway, now my students are reading it. I have such great kids this year!

It's looking more and more like I will be unemployed as an international teacher next year, which is disappointing. BUT! I'm in a very good position overall. I was able to save quite a bit over the last two years, and I will be able to live with my mom. I could get a job in my hometown, but I don't want to. At least not a full time job. The thought of returning to full time teaching in the States makes my stomach hurt. I'm still hoping for a late or mid-year job opening. However, one thing that has been on my mind a lot is to ask myself what I really want out of my life. I really want to teach overseas. Despite the hardships, the job itself is very rewarding. I also want to live somewhere relatively stable, and it might take time to find that. I'm extremely fortunate to be in a position to wait. And I'm fortunate to now be of an age where I have life experience and the ability to really think about what I want and make some plans. And one thing I have always wanted to do is travel around Europe.

Teaching abroad has given me tremendous opportunities to travel, but they are limited to school breaks. So, I think that if I don't have a full time teaching job, then this fall, I'm going to take about 6 weeks and travel around Europe. I wanted to do this as a gap year, but when I was of that traditional gap-year age, I had neither the means nor the confidence to do it. I'm so much more comfortable traveling solo now. I'd much rather take this trip with my best friend, but alas, she is still teaching and not ready to leave her job or take a leave of absence.

There are a lot of voices in my head trying to talk me out of this. How dare I step off the work path at this time! How dare I be so selfish! Why am I not looking for a spouse and having kids and buying a house? One of the voices sounds a lot like my sister in law, who I love but who is also very bitter about a lot of things in her life, and I am not a therapist who can fix that, nor should I stop myself from doing things because of it.

The nice thing about planning this gap year (more like gap 6-7 weeks since I don't want to blow my savings, and since I do want to spend time with my family) in my forties is that it's a little easier to shut down the voices that tell me I can't or shouldn't do this. Of course, if I get a good job offer, I will take it because I truly love teaching. But I'm finally really loving myself and valuing a balanced life. And travling around Europe is one of the few dreams I've had since childhood that persists to this day. It will be a real hop-on hop-off tour since I plan to buy a rail pass and then take a few cheap flights. I'll probably hit the capitals of countries and get a taste instead of a meal. But the idea is thrilling and it's a bright light in the middle of still very stormy times.

I had a good cry/complain session with my neighbor teacher. She teaches the AP Seminar class (I've got AP Research in the Capstone program) and I feel better about my involvement in the whole thing. I still don't like teaching the class, but I feel like if I had to do it again, I could do it better (in the learning from past mistakes kind of thing) and I also feel generally settled about the kiddos' responsibility in this whole thing.

Tomorrow is their presentation day, and they'll do however they're gonna do. It will be fine. Their papers are due on the 30th-ish to College Board. They will finish them or they won't, and I feel confident that I've done the best I can as their teacher, both as a new teacher for the class and in These Times and Circumstances.

(Update between starting this post and now -- one of my kiddos did a practice presentation just now because we had tech problems yesterday, and they did a really good job! I'm so proud of her hard work. I'm still a bit worried about the essay tbh, but honestly, they did such good work this year. I am just so so proud of them, and after a bit of feedback, I made sure to tell them.

Still nothing for next year. Yet. My friends, who've had the Worst Luck over the last few years (including being stuck in China for a couple years, moving to Kyiv this year among some personal tragedies that would be almost unbearable in the BEST of times, let alone after shouldering so much trauma the last few years) announced their new jobs next year. They're going somewhere I wouldn't choose, so I'm only jealous that they have a clearer plan than I do. There is a school that I keep eyeing, that I think I would like to work for, but their contract date is for JULY 6! I won't even leave BLR until about June 20. If things had been normal and I'd gone home for Christmas or something, I'd be a lot more likely to apply, but that's only about two weeks of being home, which is NOT enough time to rest or see my family or even really get over jet lag! So I'm not going to apply, even though my little lizard brain is like "sssecurityyyy...jobsssss" (my lizard brain makes a cute hissing sound). I think I would be setting myself up for a huge crash if I tried to make that turn around. Nevermind that I still don't have my new passport. >_

Hello! I've been back in Minsk for a week and I'm exhausted still and don't see that changing any time soon. I have toyed around with the idea of doing a little traveling this fall if I don't have a permanent job. At the very least, my cousin is having a wedding reception at the end of August (originally planned to have a wedding in August 2020, but you know... they got married at city hall instead), and I wouldn't be able to go normally as that is the traditional start of the school year in the US and US-style schools. I've already decided that if I am in the US for the next school year, I'll just sign up as a sub because I'm sure I'll work every day if I want, but I won't have to sign a contract so I could leave if a late-opening job comes up. Plus I would have some mental breaks because I wouldn't have to plan anything. I still find the idea of taking a break daunting because I'd prefer to have a job somewhere nice. I LOVE teaching. But breaks aren't bad, especially since I'm so fortunate to be able to afford it (even if I have to buy my own health insurance -- the prices aren't quite as horrific as I thought for some basic coverage). And the idea of spending Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in four years (and Christmas for the first time in two years) is enormously appealing. As is a little travel in the off-season. The mother of one of my favorite students has become a friend over the last two years, and they are moving to Germany. She has offered a place to stay if I come visit, and maybe I could go after Thanksgiving and see some Christmas markets.

I still really, really want a good job somewhere nice, but I'm not as scared of not having one as I once was. Or maybe I'm just too tired to be scared.

I actually started writing something this week! I don't want to say a lot because it's in the very early stages, but I read a cute slice of life manga this week and got inspired. Maybe I'll have something to share in the next couple weeks.

Until then, I hope you are all well!

I'm back in Minsk. I can hopefully just finish out the year and then go home. We've got exactly three months left until the last day of school. Something like 70% of the students are still here, while many staff are still out, especially at the secondary level. It'll be a challenge. Before I left Vilnius yesterday, I met up with two of my friends who are also on staff and are taking it week by week as to when/if they want to come back to Minsk. There are some hard feelings brewing, even though there are few, if any, good choices to make in this situation. We always say things like we have to take care of ourselves and our families, but when people make decisions that are at odds with what others think that looks like, woof, it can get ugly.

So far, I don't see a lot of actually ugliness in the feelings of our staff. We had a pretty good community to start with, unlike my last school which was a toxic stew even in the Before Times and has only gotten worse. I don't have any hard feelings toward my coworkers. I suppose that could change when I see what extra duties I might be asked to pick up, but probably it will be fine. I suppose it also helps to know that I only have these three months to get through. I gave my notice before actual war broke out. Minsk is just not the place for me. If it were still the best of times, when I could easily travel on breaks, then I'd probably stay, but it hasn't been the best of times for a few years, thanks to the pandemic, so I'm not missing anything of the Before Times because I didn't experience them here.

I am missing my creativity, but I have been recharging with books. And I dropped my GYWO goal this year from 240 days on the habit tracker to 180 in anticipation of all the changes I knew were coming. This should accomodate the changes I didn't anticipate as well.

Which is to say, there's no new snippet today. I need to write the test for tomorrow morning's class, and then I'm going to keep reading before meeting my friends for dinner.

Fingers crossed for Tuesday's job interview.

Well! A lot has happened and also nothing has happened, which is just the most ... eh. I can't decide what it is. Since last Sunday, we came under voluntary evacuation orders here in BLR. All staff but one have decided to stay. For myself, I decided that if other countries aren't asking their families to leave, and if people are keeping their children here, then we're probably safe enough. No one, not even in the news and "news" that I can find, thinks that Minsk will see any sort of fighting, should fighting occur. I've been packing up my apartment, as I think I said, both to make it easier to ship my belongings should I need to go and because I officially gave my notice to leave at the end of the year and not come back, so I may as well use the time to clean up. I don't have as much stuff as I feared, and it's as good an excuse as any to spring clean.

Of course next week, everything could change.

Frustratingly and worryingly, I do not have a job yet for next school year. I really really wish I had that sorted.

I finished writing my spy AU fic, Lock and Key, and started publishing chapters today. I don't think I'll drag it out with one chapter per week, but I might post on Sundays and Wednesdays. Or I'll give in and publish the whole thing. Here's a bit from chapter one. As always, I hope you keep yourselves well and are as happy and healthy as possible.

---

Jin Guangyao leads Wei Ying out, down a short hallway (ten paces), up three flights of stairs (ten steps each flight), a left turn down another hall (thirty paces), outside to a waiting car (a black SUV), idling in the half-light of early morning. Jin Guangyao helps him into the passenger seat and closes the door gently.

“You know where to take him.” Jin Guangyao addresses the driver in Japanese.

“Hai,” is the curt reply.

Shit shit shit shit shit!

“Goodbye, Master Wei,” Jin Guangyao says to Wei Ying. “No doubt we will cross paths again.” He taps the roof of the car. “Go,” he tells the driver and in seconds, they merge with the early morning traffic of Lanling.

ANOTHER thing I don’t like about impending apocalypse/ongoing pandemic — my students ask me, a nominal adult, what I think will happen and if we’ll ever fix things. Like fuck if I know! Nothing in my life or education prepared me for this! Most of my kiddos are in diplomatic families, so they probably hear more than I do. I’ve got Twitter and the work group chat.

For real, though, I have to be honest and tell them I don’t know. I try to be reassuring without making shit up. I do think we are all physically safe where we are right now, aside from the usual dangers of living. Like the family of one of our former students was in a horrible car accident at Christmas — the father was killed, mother was seriously injured, little kid hurt and then got covid. One of my coworkers/friends lost her sister this week. Individual tragedies are always possible. Which is why the “leaders” in this fucking world just need to measure their damn dicks and get that out of the way so we can get on with the ordinary business of living!

ANYWAY. I had cheesecake for breakfast and it’s properly sunny out today. It’s still too cold to be out for any great length of time, but I think I’ll walk over to the noodle place for lunch. It’s the place with the “Korean” BBQ. It’s really East Asian fusion, but it’s tasty. And here is a snippet of the CQL-Espionage AU I’m working on. I hope to start publishing it in the next week or so. I’m almost finished with the ending, and I’ve learned the hard way not to start publishing WIPs without a firm plan for the ending in mind. Here’s a little bit with my son Jiang Cheng. He’s not the MC for this fic, but of course he’s there!

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When Jiang Cheng joins Wei Ying a minute later, his expression is stormy, but no worse than usual, but he doesn’t shrug off Wei Ying’s hand on his shoulder.

“A-Cheng, if you want to stay, I can—“

“Don’t be an idiot,” Jiang Cheng cuts him off. “We’ve wasted enough time.”

They don’t speak again until they’re safely buckled into the nondescript gray sedan Jiang Cheng favors for this sort of job, with Lanling long faded from their rearview mirror. It’s only because he knows what to look for that Wei Ying sees the tension in Jiang Cheng’s shoulders and the anxiety in his eyes as he tracks their progress south.

“You haven’t asked me where I need to go,” Wei Ying says conversationally. He paws through the plastic bag, which turned out to hold a few lukewarm steamed buns and a couple packets of various meats on skewers, and hands a bun to Jiang Cheng.

Things continue to be eventful over here in MSQ. LUCKILY the events are covid-based. Hahahah luckily it’s just covid. What a fucking world. We’re heading back online for a week, which means that will be 3 weeks of survival teaching at minimum. I’m not optimistic we won’t spend more time out of the classroom. (I was going to say subpar teaching, but that’s not fair. I am doing the best I can with the circumstances I’m in, as are my students, so we’ll go with survival.)

In happier news, my Secret Project story has been revealed! I took part in a Jiang Cheng Minibang, organized by one of my twitter mutuals. It’s the first time I’ve ever collaborated with an artist before, and I had a wonderful experience. My story, The Carnival, was adapted from an original story I wrote around 10 years ago that wasn’t going anywhere. It’s a weird little story that has pretty good vibes.

I don’t have anything new to share. Covid fatigue has taken so much of my energy, which was already pretty low (thanks, seasonal depression!), but I’m trying not to worry about it. I watched a bunch of movies while I was sick. I finally watched Encanto, which is charming. I watched Raya and the Last Dragon, which was pretty good. I watched another animated movie on Netflix called Wish Dragon, about a teenage boy in a fictional Asian city (that reminded me a little of Hong Kong) who gets a magic dragon who will grant him three wishes. It’s a story about the importance of friendship and family. John Cho and Constance Wu provide some of the voices. It was a cute little movie.

Anyway, here’s hoping that the next few weeks are significantly less interesting for all of us. And if you read my story, I hope you like it.

Happy New Year!

Real talk, I don’t actually like New Years all that much. It’s in the dead of winter (for me in the northern hemisphere) and halfway through the school year, which is the main way I mark time given my years as a student and now a teacher. I don’t like parties or staying up late. However, I do like lists. I have a few small goals this year because one way or the other, I will be moving, and that’s always stressful. I really, really, really hope that I’m moving to a place with a new job that I want, a place I want to live. But if I have to go back home for a bit, I will. It’s not the worst thing that could happen.

So goals! I’m participating in GYWO again this year, but due to the impending craziness of the summer, I dropped down to a 180 day habit goal. I’ve met my 240 day goal the last two years, and I don’t want to lose that momentum, but I do want to give myself some grace.

I have several cross stitch and crochet WIPs that I am going to finish this year. At the very least, I’ll finish the cross stitch. The crochet projects are blankets, which I can’t really cart around, so I’ll at least try and make some headway on those when I’m home this summer. I also need to make some sort of effort to start a proper exercise regimen. I’m getting older and have noticed a few creaking bits that I should really pay attention to before they become a problem. Plus, I have a family history of Type II Diabetes, and I would like to avoid that.

I spent the last week and a half writing for the Twelve Days of MingCheng challenge, but I also finished a draft of my Secret Project. I will give you a little sliver of that story this week.

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“Hey! Watch it, asshole!”

Jiang Cheng’s eyes snapped open and he saw a teen with a sharp glare and knife-edged smile beside him. Jiang Cheng looked away and found he had wandered further into the warren of tents.

“Sorry,” he muttered, backing away from the boy.

“Big shot Gusu boy,” the teen growled, “clomping around like you own the place. Think you’re so much better than — hey!”

This last exclamation was directed at a grubby girl not much younger than them. She had slugged the boy in the arm and was now waving a bag of sweets in his face.