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wrote_and_writWe had a new work thing thrown at us today, and while I will deal and do the job I am paid to do, it threw me totally off balance again, just when I felt like I had a stable place to stand and breathe for a minute. I had two really productive days, I felt capable, and then the rug was pulled out from under me and I was punched in the stomach. So to speak.
And people keep telling me to be kind to myself. To be positive. To be grateful. And I would dearly love to be these things. I really would. But what I need is time and stability.
It occurred to me what this time of instability and uncertainty reminds me of. It reminds me of the four and a half months when my father was dying. In August of 2013, I moved back home because I finally found a full time job teaching, after 5 years of under-employment (my job was 19.5 hours a week so they didn’t have to give me any benefits) and grad school (for funsies). I was tired of not eating. Tired of getting money from my parents to help pay for rent. Tired. The day I rolled into town with a carload of stuff, to stay at my parents’ house temporarily (I hoped) was the day my dad got his latest cancer screening results. It was back for the third time. He tried chemo and radiation again, but it was too much and not enough, and in January of 2014, he died.
In that time, I learned a new job and new content area, new standards, new age level. All the while trying to help out at home as every couple weeks, my feet were knocked out from under me again.
I’ve given up hope that I’ll be back at school for this year. I can only hope we have a regular school year next year and try and fill in some of the enormous gaps that are being ripped through my kiddos’ education. I hope I can keep getting up, but there’s only so many times a person can be kicked before they stay down.
And people keep telling me to be kind to myself. To be positive. To be grateful. And I would dearly love to be these things. I really would. But what I need is time and stability.
It occurred to me what this time of instability and uncertainty reminds me of. It reminds me of the four and a half months when my father was dying. In August of 2013, I moved back home because I finally found a full time job teaching, after 5 years of under-employment (my job was 19.5 hours a week so they didn’t have to give me any benefits) and grad school (for funsies). I was tired of not eating. Tired of getting money from my parents to help pay for rent. Tired. The day I rolled into town with a carload of stuff, to stay at my parents’ house temporarily (I hoped) was the day my dad got his latest cancer screening results. It was back for the third time. He tried chemo and radiation again, but it was too much and not enough, and in January of 2014, he died.
In that time, I learned a new job and new content area, new standards, new age level. All the while trying to help out at home as every couple weeks, my feet were knocked out from under me again.
I’ve given up hope that I’ll be back at school for this year. I can only hope we have a regular school year next year and try and fill in some of the enormous gaps that are being ripped through my kiddos’ education. I hope I can keep getting up, but there’s only so many times a person can be kicked before they stay down.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-01 09:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-04-01 10:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-04-01 11:30 am (UTC)It doesn't mean anything, it's not some message from the universe, it's just our brains being actual giant pumpkins at times, cobbled together from odds and ends that work just well enough to get by and held together with baling twine and duck tape.
I'm so sorry this is bringing up such fraught memories for you. My advice is not to try and be positive or grateful - it's good to sit with the emotions that you have and acknowledge that things are pretty crap.
At the same time, do remember to acknowledge that positive things are there too, and don't fall into the trap of discounting them entirely because they seem small compared to the negatives.
(((HUGS)))
no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-04-01 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 12:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-04-02 12:42 am (UTC)That Leap of Faith bit from Spiderverse tho. Right in the feels!