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Taiwan Diary: Saying Goodbye
Jan. 5th, 2023 11:21 amI think I am a person who says goodbye to things too soon as a way to mitigate the grief at the passing of whatever event/person/place I'll be leaving. It's not a writing-off but a slow preparation. Is it healthy to be like this? Who's to say?
Late fall/early winter is the time of year when staff at international schools start to get their transfers in order, which means inevitable goodbyes. When I was first hired to teach overseas, we had some training about culture shock, reverse culture shock (returning home), and this cycle of goodbyes and grieving. I've had a little practice with this in the last four and a half years, and of course, the whole process was disrupted by COVID and the long grieving I'm still going through when I allow myself to think of the people I will never see again and the possessions that I lost when I was displaced, so I don't really don't feel like I have a handle on the best way to navigate this. Maybe there is no best way, only a best for now.
I'm thinking about it now because I've been feeling that life in Taiwan is very lonely. I sort of expected it -- when the language barrier is as vast as it is for me, making friends outside of work is very difficult.
And, specific to this job: we don't have our own classrooms. The staff has desks in a large workroom, and local Taiwanese teachers are placed in a different office from the foreign hires, which creates a deliberate division among the staff that is pretty much impossible to overcome. There's no easy chatting with local staff because their desks are also in the same room as the Big Boss, who is, as previously discussed, a toxic nightmare. She calls all the local office workers and teachers in once a week to literally scream at them, but she never does that to the foreign hires. This place is a hot mess in a flaming dumpster.
Anyway, add to all that the long hours that work demands and how easy it is to simply go home, and it is very easy to let yourself drift through your stay. I feel very lucky to work with some sympathetic people, and I'm probably friends with them (although the fact that I'm even hedging on the word friends shows a lot about how I handle the transient nature of teaching abroad, for better or worse. lol). However, being friends/friendly still doesn't guarantee a community. One of the people I like best and click best with at school is married, has a young son, and is finishing his master's degree, so we don't ever hang out outside of work. And yesterday, he told me that he accepted a job at another school. It's only in the next city over, but given how little public transportation there is among the smaller cities and the aforementioned family commitments, I'm sad that he's leaving this school at the end of the year because I don't know if/when I'll see him after this school year ends.
It's easy to say that I could make overtures, but it has long been my experience that being friends with people who have kids (and often even people who are simply married or have long-term partners) as a single person is fraught with uncertainty and that making overtures that are turned down 98% of the time is exhausting and demoralizing, even when I fully understand the reasons I've been shut down or canceled on -- kids take up so much work! They are unpredictable!
Anyway, I'm building a buffer around my heart because my friend's news is the first definitive news of a transfer I've heard, although I expect more. The aforementioned toxicity of the workplace and the terrible management have staff jumping ship left and right, and I can only hope it doesn't sink before I can finish out my contract. Because workplace nonsense aside, I'm just not vibing with Taiwan. It is 75% due to the humidity -- I am so tired of having hair that never fully dries and never feels clean, even after I shampoo and blow dry it. It is very hard to feel at home in a place if you are always at least 30% uncomfortable, physically. My body refuses to regulate and adjust. It sucks. Anyway. I've been mentally saying goodbye to Taiwan since about October, and now I'm starting to say goodbye to some really cool people, and it's not a great place to be, mentally.
I really, really hope that my next post is in a place that I can make A home, if not the home.
Late fall/early winter is the time of year when staff at international schools start to get their transfers in order, which means inevitable goodbyes. When I was first hired to teach overseas, we had some training about culture shock, reverse culture shock (returning home), and this cycle of goodbyes and grieving. I've had a little practice with this in the last four and a half years, and of course, the whole process was disrupted by COVID and the long grieving I'm still going through when I allow myself to think of the people I will never see again and the possessions that I lost when I was displaced, so I don't really don't feel like I have a handle on the best way to navigate this. Maybe there is no best way, only a best for now.
I'm thinking about it now because I've been feeling that life in Taiwan is very lonely. I sort of expected it -- when the language barrier is as vast as it is for me, making friends outside of work is very difficult.
And, specific to this job: we don't have our own classrooms. The staff has desks in a large workroom, and local Taiwanese teachers are placed in a different office from the foreign hires, which creates a deliberate division among the staff that is pretty much impossible to overcome. There's no easy chatting with local staff because their desks are also in the same room as the Big Boss, who is, as previously discussed, a toxic nightmare. She calls all the local office workers and teachers in once a week to literally scream at them, but she never does that to the foreign hires. This place is a hot mess in a flaming dumpster.
Anyway, add to all that the long hours that work demands and how easy it is to simply go home, and it is very easy to let yourself drift through your stay. I feel very lucky to work with some sympathetic people, and I'm probably friends with them (although the fact that I'm even hedging on the word friends shows a lot about how I handle the transient nature of teaching abroad, for better or worse. lol). However, being friends/friendly still doesn't guarantee a community. One of the people I like best and click best with at school is married, has a young son, and is finishing his master's degree, so we don't ever hang out outside of work. And yesterday, he told me that he accepted a job at another school. It's only in the next city over, but given how little public transportation there is among the smaller cities and the aforementioned family commitments, I'm sad that he's leaving this school at the end of the year because I don't know if/when I'll see him after this school year ends.
It's easy to say that I could make overtures, but it has long been my experience that being friends with people who have kids (and often even people who are simply married or have long-term partners) as a single person is fraught with uncertainty and that making overtures that are turned down 98% of the time is exhausting and demoralizing, even when I fully understand the reasons I've been shut down or canceled on -- kids take up so much work! They are unpredictable!
Anyway, I'm building a buffer around my heart because my friend's news is the first definitive news of a transfer I've heard, although I expect more. The aforementioned toxicity of the workplace and the terrible management have staff jumping ship left and right, and I can only hope it doesn't sink before I can finish out my contract. Because workplace nonsense aside, I'm just not vibing with Taiwan. It is 75% due to the humidity -- I am so tired of having hair that never fully dries and never feels clean, even after I shampoo and blow dry it. It is very hard to feel at home in a place if you are always at least 30% uncomfortable, physically. My body refuses to regulate and adjust. It sucks. Anyway. I've been mentally saying goodbye to Taiwan since about October, and now I'm starting to say goodbye to some really cool people, and it's not a great place to be, mentally.
I really, really hope that my next post is in a place that I can make A home, if not the home.
