Tales From Clown School #14: Whatcha Got There? A Knife!

Last night I had dinner with some friends/colleagues to say goodbye to our counselor, who, you may remember, was unceremoniously fired. Naturally, we are all disgruntled, so talk turned to the absolute shitshow of a circus we've been through, and the counselor had some tidbits to add by virtue of being in the office and hearing the MOST unhinged shit. I learned that Mayi, our AP, would regularly bash me in office staff meetings, the whole time she was being pleasant and supportive to my face. At this point I shouldn't be surprised that she is an absolute pile of shit (and not the kind that can be recycled into fertilizer). But I was still hoping she would somehow turn out to be a decent person. Alas. While I am not a psychologist, I truly believe that she and Ring Leader are absolutely textbook narcissists. They are utterly incapable of being swayed by logic or compassion. I've had dreams about dramatic things I'd like to say on my last day (or after I have my final paycheck), but it hit me that it would be like hitting a brick wall. It would have NO impact on them, but it would hurt my soul.

When we asked Counselor how she was doing, she said that while she hasn't even begun to process anything, she does know that she needs to leave her anger behind or she'll never be able to move forward. I need to take this advice to heart. It's absolutely useless to try and change the people who hurt me. If I want to wait for a genuine apology, I'll be waiting still when the heat death of the universe arrives. I am going to have to learn how to trust people again, and harder still, I'm going to have to learn to trust myself because I let a whole parade of red flags go by before I understood what my situation was. And I can't do any of that if I don't leave this place behind.