![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Notes from Ida-home: Summer Break Edition
Jul. 26th, 2024 09:55 amMy time at home is wrapping up. This time next week, I'll be in Shanghai! I've been having tons of anxiety dreams about packing and moving, natch. Last night's was a doozy because it featured Clown School as well as packing and moving and cleaning.
I feel like I'm sort of getting better at moving and knowing what I absolutely need to bring with me. Clothes are the most important because finding clothes for fat girls is just impossible. It's increasingly difficult to find these in the US, despite all the stereotypes of how fat Americans are, but at least I can get things mailed here with relative ease. Shoes, too. I have much larger feet than the average Chinese woman. There are also certain medications and products I need to bring with me, and I need to have at least a year's supply. My new school is a combination local/international school, so we won't have a Christmas break. They will have a long break for lunar new year. I've not yet decided if I'll go home this year for that. I really need to rebuild my finances, so we'll see. It is hard to stay away as my niblings get older.
This summer was less fraught than I anticipated. There were some Moments with my mom and brother, centering on religion of course. My brother is more ... fanatical. He's definitely got some of those Out There Catholic Beliefs. I just have to not talk to him more than a few words here and there about non-important things. I tried to explain to my mom how hurtful her insistence on bringing Catholicism into everything was, especially on my youngest brother. My aunt got involved in one conversation, and it didn't go super great. I'm going to have to insist on boundaries for myself. My youngest brother is torn because my mom helps so much with the kids, and he feels like he can't jeopardize that even though he also feels like she's taking advantage of his desperation to push religion on his kids. She is, to a degree. I mentioned this, but otherwise, that is something he needs to deal with himself.
After a particularly rough convo with Middle Brother, I just walked away and really stopped talking. Now, what has helped most is that he works a swing shift at his job and is basically asleep the rest of the time he's home, so we don't have much contact with one another. No to low contact works for us. As for Youngest Brother, we had some arguments as well, which weren't particularly productive as he's too in his own head to really be receptive. He thinks I'm being a bad sister in a way because I'm not supporting him enough. He got mad that I never asked him about how he was doing, and because he was getting very shouty, I didn't get the chance to say, "Brother, when do you ever talk to me about my life? When do you ever text me first, even just a silly meme? Fully fifty percent of the messages I send you go unanswered and unacknowledged. Relationships go both ways." And like, I understand that he's having a rough time. But he's been having a rough time for years. He's depressed and I understand that. I've been there (and he wasn't around for that, or interested in helping me, but I'm not really mad about that because it's over). I'm supportive of him, helping with his kids. But I'm also not his journal. And I feel bad that he doesn't have a lot of supportive people in his life who he can vent to, but also, I can't just be someone who he dumps all his trauma and problems on and then doesn't reciprocate, even a tiny bit. And it isn't necessarily fair, but I'm not expecting totally equal and balanced actions. And I also remember how hard it is to not be an emotional vampire when you are deep in your problems. I was very lucky that I had a support circle. I still lost some friends and long relationships. Anyway. I get a lot of guilt because we're siblings and I'm told that still means something more than other relationships like friends. Which is ridiculous. It's also why I live on a separate continent.
Still, it's been less fraught a summer than anticipated, and I'm grateful. We're having a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday because I haven't had one in six years. I'll probably end up at the kids' table with the niblings because I'm my niece's favorite, and yes, I'm very smug about it.
And then -- new adventures!
I feel like I'm sort of getting better at moving and knowing what I absolutely need to bring with me. Clothes are the most important because finding clothes for fat girls is just impossible. It's increasingly difficult to find these in the US, despite all the stereotypes of how fat Americans are, but at least I can get things mailed here with relative ease. Shoes, too. I have much larger feet than the average Chinese woman. There are also certain medications and products I need to bring with me, and I need to have at least a year's supply. My new school is a combination local/international school, so we won't have a Christmas break. They will have a long break for lunar new year. I've not yet decided if I'll go home this year for that. I really need to rebuild my finances, so we'll see. It is hard to stay away as my niblings get older.
This summer was less fraught than I anticipated. There were some Moments with my mom and brother, centering on religion of course. My brother is more ... fanatical. He's definitely got some of those Out There Catholic Beliefs. I just have to not talk to him more than a few words here and there about non-important things. I tried to explain to my mom how hurtful her insistence on bringing Catholicism into everything was, especially on my youngest brother. My aunt got involved in one conversation, and it didn't go super great. I'm going to have to insist on boundaries for myself. My youngest brother is torn because my mom helps so much with the kids, and he feels like he can't jeopardize that even though he also feels like she's taking advantage of his desperation to push religion on his kids. She is, to a degree. I mentioned this, but otherwise, that is something he needs to deal with himself.
After a particularly rough convo with Middle Brother, I just walked away and really stopped talking. Now, what has helped most is that he works a swing shift at his job and is basically asleep the rest of the time he's home, so we don't have much contact with one another. No to low contact works for us. As for Youngest Brother, we had some arguments as well, which weren't particularly productive as he's too in his own head to really be receptive. He thinks I'm being a bad sister in a way because I'm not supporting him enough. He got mad that I never asked him about how he was doing, and because he was getting very shouty, I didn't get the chance to say, "Brother, when do you ever talk to me about my life? When do you ever text me first, even just a silly meme? Fully fifty percent of the messages I send you go unanswered and unacknowledged. Relationships go both ways." And like, I understand that he's having a rough time. But he's been having a rough time for years. He's depressed and I understand that. I've been there (and he wasn't around for that, or interested in helping me, but I'm not really mad about that because it's over). I'm supportive of him, helping with his kids. But I'm also not his journal. And I feel bad that he doesn't have a lot of supportive people in his life who he can vent to, but also, I can't just be someone who he dumps all his trauma and problems on and then doesn't reciprocate, even a tiny bit. And it isn't necessarily fair, but I'm not expecting totally equal and balanced actions. And I also remember how hard it is to not be an emotional vampire when you are deep in your problems. I was very lucky that I had a support circle. I still lost some friends and long relationships. Anyway. I get a lot of guilt because we're siblings and I'm told that still means something more than other relationships like friends. Which is ridiculous. It's also why I live on a separate continent.
Still, it's been less fraught a summer than anticipated, and I'm grateful. We're having a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday because I haven't had one in six years. I'll probably end up at the kids' table with the niblings because I'm my niece's favorite, and yes, I'm very smug about it.
And then -- new adventures!
