Your Power, Your Control by Nish Kumar and Trauma

[wrote_and_writ]

On Friday, I had a bit of a rough day at work, with a host of things culminating in me bursting into tears in a team meeting. I was so embarassed, even though my colleagues were nothing but kind and understanding. (The job is good, it was just a lot of relatively minor things, coupled with some anxiety about the upcoming first day of school and some homesickness and other stuff. You know how it is.) Anyway, when I got home from work, I wanted something to lift my spirit. I saw that Nish Kumar, one of my favorite comedians, had a new special out. (It came out in back in March, and I had missed it.) That oughta cheer me up!

Lol NOPE!

It did, however, provide me with some catharsis and a lot of stuff to think about.

The thread of this show is about an incident back in 2019, when Kumar was heckled at a charity gig in London, and the horrible fallout from that, which culminated in racist abuse and death threats. You can read more about the incident here. One of the things Kumar addresses in his special is the PTSD he suffered as a result of the fallout.

One of the things Kumar talks about is how he didn't believe he had PTSD because he was fine! He wasn't dead. His career has generally flourished. He's got a long-term partner and a relationship he's happy with. Nothing really happened to him. So he can't have trauma!

Another spoiler alert -- he did experience trauma, and his unwillingness to deal/inability to recognize it/many many reasons why people don't think they need therapy/etc exacerbated the initial problems. In addition, his therapist told him, he has very likely been dealing with depression and anxiety since he was a teen. So yes, he really did need to get some things sorted. And he did. He's gone into therapy, he's making progress and healing. It's a nice end to the show.

It also really pinged some things for me.

I have really been resistant to the idea that I've experieced trauma. To me, trauma is what results from war or something really, really horrible. I haven't experienced anything horrible! I know that I have chronic anxiety and depression, and that I haven't been able to deal with it properly for the last six years or so. It started before the pandemic, but the pandemic definitely made things worse. (As it did for everyone, which makes it easy for me to discount its effect on me.) It really hit me -- I lost my home during the pandemic. I was really lucky to have my mom's place to go to, so I wasn't unhoused, but I did lose my home. I lost my home and a bunch of stuff, but since I wasn't unhoused, and since stuff is just stuff, I dismissed the pain. Then, I moved to a politically unstable country. When war broke out next door, I left my home again, not knowing if I'd be able to come back. But since I could come back, since my city wasn't bombed (unlike Kyiv, where my friends lived), and since I wasn't in danger of jail or enforced conscription, like some of my coworkers, then I equated getting through the difficult time with coming through unscathed. Then there was the abusive job. But since I chose to stay on, and since I had a lot of good times while I was there, then clearly, I didn't actually suffer any abuse.

I think you get the point.

Right now, I don't have the capacity to do anything substantive about it. But I really need to, soon. As soon as I pay down some credit cards and save some money. You know how it is. But thanks to a fucking comedy album, I don't think I'll ignore it any more.

So that's fun! Thank goodness classes start tomorrow, so I can at least focus on something else. And maybe I'll go back and listen to my favorite Eddie Izzard albums for some laughs.

Comments

[clevermanka]

Ooof, bb. That's a lot. Congratulations(?) for taking the first step toward refusing to participate in the Misery Olympics. 🫂

[wrote_and_writ]

Oh my god, Manka, my boss said, TO MY FACE, "why do you feel like you have to do everything? You can't." Um, sir, I am an eldest and only daughter. Yes I can. (Never mind that my therapist had said the exact same thing.) And when I got called down to the office for the third time this week to have a chat (a good chat, but still, it's a bit on the nose), when I was leaving, I couldn't keep from saying, "Yes, good talk, I'm glad I'm not in trouble," and the LOOK on his face. Like oooooooof.

[clevermanka]

The horrors of being perceived, truly.

[umadoshi]

*hugs tight*

Trauma is so much for complex than we (collectively) tend to think! I try to remember both a) that experiencing trauma is more to do with something's impact on you than on the specific thing causing the impact (it's just that some obvious things will traumatize basically anyone who experiences them), and b) that we now distinguish between PTSD and C-PTSD for a reason, because cumulative trauma is just as real as trauma from a single horrible event.

You've been through a LOT even in just the time I've known you, and it'd be more surprising to me if it all hadn't hit you that way, even if you've been able to mostly shove it down.

You absolutely deserve care and time/space to address and heal from all this stuff, and I'm glad you're looking toward doing that. *hugs again*

[wrote_and_writ]

It really is amazing how many things can just get in there and mess with our brains, but also that we can be resilient and function. 🫂

[pauraque]

I hear you. I have PTSD, and while I have experienced a traumatic event in the category of "everyone would agree this is obviously trauma"--that wasn't what caused my PTSD!! It was actually a completely different set of circumstances later in my life, which takes a long time to explain because the reason it was traumatic to me had to do with my specific situation and the way things unfolded. I think a lot of trauma is that way. It's more individual than just a handful of things that are easy to recognize.

[wrote_and_writ]

Well, I think that situation-specific trauma is also just so insidious and can be part of what makes it so hard to address!

[awanderingcoyote]

Lots of hugs! But it's good to bring it out in the open for yourself, so you're aware of it. I think we're all so good at denying things for ourselves, which only hurts us in the end.

Lots of hugs though! So many hugs sent your way!

[wrote_and_writ]

Hugs back atcha!