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Well. November has been A Month.
I met my overall word goal of writing at least 500 words a day, although it’s an average as I missed probably a week’s worth of writing days. I got super sick on November 2, because of COURSE I did. To be honest, I’m a little surprised it took this long into the school year to get sick. I got a cold on top of a cold, and I still have a lingering cough. It’s going away, slowly, and I have TWO weeks to get fully well because I’m going home for Christmas and I want to cuddle my new baby niece! And I have to be well to do that. We’ll see how it goes.
Another thing standing in the way of writing has been work. I really love being a teacher, and this year, my students are just outstanding kiddos, even the few I have that are kind of chuckleheads. I teach at an international school, and I teach intensive English, which means I have small classes (9 in one, 10 in the other) and I see each class three times a day, so I really really get to know these kids well. So my chuckleheads? I really get to understand why, beyond just being teenagers, they are acting the way they do. It helps me keep an open heart and let go of frustrations a little sooner. The problem is that this emotional labor is heavy, and it makes me tired, and it makes all the fun words sink down underneath the work of...work. And work! I spent time marking papers tonight (because I know how to have fun on a Saturday night), and I’m not going to get into the whole spiral here, but just. Guys. Teaching is so fucking hard, and it’s made worse by a lack of resources, by a curriculum with gaps bigger than the potholes on an Idaho road after winter (I have popped a tire in those potholes before, so, you know, they’re serious). I vented a little to my work bestie, and then tried to get out of the spiral and focus on what I old actually control.
I have the word inimitable tattooed on my wrist. I see it every day. I got that word tattooed not so much to remind myself that I am without compare (and I am — I am the only Me who has ever been and will ever be) but because it completes the lyrics from “Wait For It” from Hamilton: I am the one thing in life I can control. I am inimitable. I am an original.
I am the one thing in life I can control. So I wrote out lesson plans for the next two weeks, and then, it will be Christmas break. I’ll have time to relax, at least as much as one can relax with 30 family members descending for the holiday.
But my writing. Writing hasn’t been this much of a slog in a long time. I gave up on my NaNo novel because I got so bored with the MC. She still has potential, as does the world. I’m actually really proud of the world building I did for the book, so I can see writing short stories set in that world. It’s always been my dream to create something like Newford, the world created by one of my all-time favorite authors, Charles de Lint. His work introduced me to urban fantasy, and I have loved dipping into the city. I first read his books when I was in high school. I even wrote him a fan letter, and he wrote me back! In the MAIL! Anyway, I still wrote, and slog or no, it was good practice.
I also asked for a friend to beta read one of my fics before (hi Dr. Skuld!), and while I still have a lot to do to make that story at all presentable, it was a big moment for me because it made me feel really vulnerable, and I hate like poison to be vulnerable. But they gave me good feedback — I knew they would. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t trust them to be honest but in a kind manner. Still. Vulnerable! I did not care for that part, but it’s also the thing I really need/want to work on in my life as a whole. Being vulnerable. Being open to possibility. I’m so willing to be hopeful and optimistic for literally everyone else in the world but myself.
I took a big opportunity to be vulnerable this weekend. I traveled alone to Taipei, Taiwan. I didn’t really have a reason to pick Taipei. It was more that I desperately needed to NOT be in Shenzhen or the PRC. However, travel took up my courage and so I let an opportunity to go to a fandom thing pass me by. I only slightly regret it because I’m still on the peripheral of this particular fandom, and most of my regret stems from not feeling brave. If I’m not brave, then I’m not worthy. And I’m basically not feeling worthy of even taking up space, so it put me in a bit of a tough headspace. But I went to Starbucks (someday, I’ll wax lyrical about why Starbucks is my anchor) and I went to the National Taiwan Museum and saw the most pathetic, hideous, hilarious vintage taxidermy I have ever seen in my entire life, and honestly, the whole weekend was worth it, seeing this terrifying taxidermied cat. I’ll have to figure out how to add photos to posts because this cat is the weirdest goddamned thing I have ever seen.
Speaking of god and damning, my hotel room. I picked a hotel that had artsy, themed rooms, and apparently, the theme of my room is “Hey, You Haven’t Felt Catholic Guild In A While, Deb, So Here You Go!” My relationship with religion is a whole other post (and several months of therapy), but the room has a giant decal on the wall that says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Google tells me this is Proverbs 3:5, and if you go onto 3:6, it continues “in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Which.
Where to start? That a “straight” path is not something I have wanted for a long time? So to speak? This is definitely the verse that my mother most often paraphrases at me when I go to her with my troubles. She also just says”pray to the Holy Spirit,” which is NOT HELPFUL IN THE LEAST. But the worst is that I don’t think there is a single verse that is more antithetical to my very core than this. My own understanding? Babe, that is how we make the world — through our thinking and knowing and understanding. Literally I am always in my head. ALWAYS thinking. And okay, I did just say that I wanted to be more open and hopeful, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to understand and build a framework of knowledge. I just. I can’t even with this verse right now. I’m about to devolve into keyboard smashing.
Anyway. I’m tired. It has been a Month. A decade — yeah, I started thinking about the last ten years, everything and everyone I’ve lost, trying to balance it with the wonderful things and people I’ve gained, and just. My brain is too much sometimes. But I am NOT going to “let go and let God.” God can just keep on up in his clouds, or smite some fascists.
Like November, this got away from me. But I think I got enough out that I can safely watch emotional fanvids on YouTube for a bit.
Nighty-night, my lovelies.
I met my overall word goal of writing at least 500 words a day, although it’s an average as I missed probably a week’s worth of writing days. I got super sick on November 2, because of COURSE I did. To be honest, I’m a little surprised it took this long into the school year to get sick. I got a cold on top of a cold, and I still have a lingering cough. It’s going away, slowly, and I have TWO weeks to get fully well because I’m going home for Christmas and I want to cuddle my new baby niece! And I have to be well to do that. We’ll see how it goes.
Another thing standing in the way of writing has been work. I really love being a teacher, and this year, my students are just outstanding kiddos, even the few I have that are kind of chuckleheads. I teach at an international school, and I teach intensive English, which means I have small classes (9 in one, 10 in the other) and I see each class three times a day, so I really really get to know these kids well. So my chuckleheads? I really get to understand why, beyond just being teenagers, they are acting the way they do. It helps me keep an open heart and let go of frustrations a little sooner. The problem is that this emotional labor is heavy, and it makes me tired, and it makes all the fun words sink down underneath the work of...work. And work! I spent time marking papers tonight (because I know how to have fun on a Saturday night), and I’m not going to get into the whole spiral here, but just. Guys. Teaching is so fucking hard, and it’s made worse by a lack of resources, by a curriculum with gaps bigger than the potholes on an Idaho road after winter (I have popped a tire in those potholes before, so, you know, they’re serious). I vented a little to my work bestie, and then tried to get out of the spiral and focus on what I old actually control.
I have the word inimitable tattooed on my wrist. I see it every day. I got that word tattooed not so much to remind myself that I am without compare (and I am — I am the only Me who has ever been and will ever be) but because it completes the lyrics from “Wait For It” from Hamilton: I am the one thing in life I can control. I am inimitable. I am an original.
I am the one thing in life I can control. So I wrote out lesson plans for the next two weeks, and then, it will be Christmas break. I’ll have time to relax, at least as much as one can relax with 30 family members descending for the holiday.
But my writing. Writing hasn’t been this much of a slog in a long time. I gave up on my NaNo novel because I got so bored with the MC. She still has potential, as does the world. I’m actually really proud of the world building I did for the book, so I can see writing short stories set in that world. It’s always been my dream to create something like Newford, the world created by one of my all-time favorite authors, Charles de Lint. His work introduced me to urban fantasy, and I have loved dipping into the city. I first read his books when I was in high school. I even wrote him a fan letter, and he wrote me back! In the MAIL! Anyway, I still wrote, and slog or no, it was good practice.
I also asked for a friend to beta read one of my fics before (hi Dr. Skuld!), and while I still have a lot to do to make that story at all presentable, it was a big moment for me because it made me feel really vulnerable, and I hate like poison to be vulnerable. But they gave me good feedback — I knew they would. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t trust them to be honest but in a kind manner. Still. Vulnerable! I did not care for that part, but it’s also the thing I really need/want to work on in my life as a whole. Being vulnerable. Being open to possibility. I’m so willing to be hopeful and optimistic for literally everyone else in the world but myself.
I took a big opportunity to be vulnerable this weekend. I traveled alone to Taipei, Taiwan. I didn’t really have a reason to pick Taipei. It was more that I desperately needed to NOT be in Shenzhen or the PRC. However, travel took up my courage and so I let an opportunity to go to a fandom thing pass me by. I only slightly regret it because I’m still on the peripheral of this particular fandom, and most of my regret stems from not feeling brave. If I’m not brave, then I’m not worthy. And I’m basically not feeling worthy of even taking up space, so it put me in a bit of a tough headspace. But I went to Starbucks (someday, I’ll wax lyrical about why Starbucks is my anchor) and I went to the National Taiwan Museum and saw the most pathetic, hideous, hilarious vintage taxidermy I have ever seen in my entire life, and honestly, the whole weekend was worth it, seeing this terrifying taxidermied cat. I’ll have to figure out how to add photos to posts because this cat is the weirdest goddamned thing I have ever seen.
Speaking of god and damning, my hotel room. I picked a hotel that had artsy, themed rooms, and apparently, the theme of my room is “Hey, You Haven’t Felt Catholic Guild In A While, Deb, So Here You Go!” My relationship with religion is a whole other post (and several months of therapy), but the room has a giant decal on the wall that says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Google tells me this is Proverbs 3:5, and if you go onto 3:6, it continues “in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Which.
Where to start? That a “straight” path is not something I have wanted for a long time? So to speak? This is definitely the verse that my mother most often paraphrases at me when I go to her with my troubles. She also just says”pray to the Holy Spirit,” which is NOT HELPFUL IN THE LEAST. But the worst is that I don’t think there is a single verse that is more antithetical to my very core than this. My own understanding? Babe, that is how we make the world — through our thinking and knowing and understanding. Literally I am always in my head. ALWAYS thinking. And okay, I did just say that I wanted to be more open and hopeful, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to understand and build a framework of knowledge. I just. I can’t even with this verse right now. I’m about to devolve into keyboard smashing.
Anyway. I’m tired. It has been a Month. A decade — yeah, I started thinking about the last ten years, everything and everyone I’ve lost, trying to balance it with the wonderful things and people I’ve gained, and just. My brain is too much sometimes. But I am NOT going to “let go and let God.” God can just keep on up in his clouds, or smite some fascists.
Like November, this got away from me. But I think I got enough out that I can safely watch emotional fanvids on YouTube for a bit.
Nighty-night, my lovelies.
